Category: Parenting

Double duty can ruin your work-life balance. Working parents, tame time pressures with these strategies.

Working parents are generally “over” it: overwhelmed, overburdened and overtired.

When it comes to their careers, they have all the same pressures and obligations as professionals without children. They’ve also got just as many things to juggle personally, from figuring out when to schedule their own medical appointments to making time for exercise.

But on top of all of this, working moms, working dads and other caregivers have a whole additional layer of responsibilities to manage. This includes family fun time with kids, sorting through the minutia of constant school emails and forms and figuring out what goes on hold when one family member after another falls sick with the flu and there’s no obvious child care remedy.

Parents with jobs outside the house or who work remotely from a home office need some fresh ways to approach the limited time they have available and new thinking styles that can ease their stress. Taking small steps toward better time management can help make life feel more manageable day by day.

Just don’t do it.

The best way for working parents to lighten the load and find more time for real needs is to discern which activities can be skipped.

No matter what age your children are, simply being a parent will expose you to a tidal wave of interesting things to do, people to meet and places to go. You’ll be making new friends along with your child, birthday party invitations will proliferate and you’ll encounter seemingly limitless options for family-friendly weekend adventures, especially around the holidays.

Would all of these opportunities be fun? Probably. Do you really have the time, energy and money to do all of them? Probably not. And the fact is, even if you do prioritize every one of these fun opportunities, you’ll likely end up tired and resentful, which will affect your ability to tend to the basics, like making sure your family has clean clothes to wear and nutritious food to eat.

The bottom line is, you can decide to simply not accept every invitation so that you have more time to devote to what’s most essential to you and your kids. Storing up energy may even boost your productivity at the office, too.

Decide what’s nonnegotiable.

Knowing that you’ll need to pick and choose from a range of possible ways to spend your time, it helps to have a framework of personal values to guide your decision-making. If you’re navigating without a map, tempted to detour for each suggested entertainment option or slowed down by guilt about every potential obligation, you’ll quickly find yourself sinking into quicksand.

Developing a list of values can feel like one more to-do item, but this doesn’t have to be complicated. Really, figuring out your values comes down to deciding what in your life is nonnegotiable. What is it that you and your family need to prioritize above everything else? What essentials must be taken care of before you can schedule in diversions? Once you’ve mapped out what’s truly nonnegotiable in your family life, you can use that to guide which requests you accept and which you reject.

Realize each stage is limited.

There’s another “over” that burdens parents: over-identifying with your child’s particular life stage and forgetting that this too shall pass. While it may feel like your baby will never sleep through the night or your toddler will never be fully potty trained, the fact is that these stages and others will end. Soon enough, you’ll have moved on to the next challenge of childhood, eventually dealing with an empty nest and wondering how it all went by so quickly.

This truth doesn’t make it any easier when you’re actually going through the pain of transitions, and this realization won’t make the discomfort pass any more quickly. But having an awareness that everything about kids is ultimately transitory, including childhood itself, can make the big picture more bearable.

When you find yourself feeling discouraged about the difficulty of a particular parenting stage or overwhelmed that you don’t have time to deal with what’s in front of you, figure out what you can do to help you get through the present family moment with less angst and anxiety, knowing it won’t last forever. Whether that means booking a sitter to allow some extra time for self-care, or enlisting your spouse to take over solo for one day of the weekend to help you recharge and feel some spaciousness in your life again, just do it.

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As educators we could share with you a thousand reasons why we love our job…

We could tell you about how much we enjoy being connected with your child and contributing to their development and early childhood experiences…. How excited we get to share a year of celebrations, achievements and precious moments with your family…. How honored we feel to partner with you to develop your child’s childhood memories…

However, did you know that these close relationships we form greatly impact your child’s development and makes our role even more significant?

Firstly, a sense of belonging in their relationships and their environment is imperative for children.

We provide a safe and familiar environment, which enables children to build upon their confidence to learn and grow.

Educators as ‘secondary attachment figures’ can promote self-esteem in children which supports them to reach out and explore because they feel safe. In our environments this is what we strive to provide. Their sense of safety comes from nurturing, predictable environments.

Secondly, consistency in ‘care relationships’ supports the healthy development of your child’s brain and sets them up for life-long success.

To understand the importance of consistency, we look to ‘Attachment theory’ which is about the relationships children develop with significant adults in their early years and the importance of these relationships for their health and well-being. ² Research conducted about attachment theory tells us:

• The active ingredient for brain development is the nature of children’s engagement in relationships with nurturing parents and carers in their family and

• Brain imaging research suggests there is a neurological basis to the human ability to establish secure attachments with others³ and these relationships are a significant part of a nurturing environment.⁴

• One of the best predictors of social and emotional functioning and outcomes for a young child is their attachment to a primary carer.⁵

• Responsiveness and sensitivity of care of very young children has been found to be a major predictor of effective brain development and social emotional functioning.⁶

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Research shows that the best way to support speech and language development is to talk together, frequently and naturally. In a childcare setting, children are surrounded by many different examples of speech and language, both from their peers, and from their educators.

Educators use many strategies to support children’s language development in our centres including:

• Reading and sharing books with children
• Following children’s lead – for example, a child may point at a banana and say “na-na” Educators will respond with a smile, and say something like “Yes! Bananas are yummy aren’t they? I had banana on my porridge this morning”
• Narrating the everyday moments, such as nappy change time, transitions, and outdoor play. Educators use speech to describe to the children what is happening in their world.
• Responding to children – when children cry, shake their head, or point to something, educators will respond with speech, providing the building blocks for future language learning.                                                           

We are proud to partner with Dr Kaylene Henderson a leading Child Psychiatrist. Dr Henderson has written previously about what parents and care givers can do to encourage the development of their children’s speech and language.

Children are learning to communicate with us even from birth and their understanding of language begins soon after.

Speech and language development plays a critical role in children’s social development, their behaviour, their learning of early literacy skills and in the development of their self-esteem.

How you can encourage your child’s speech and language development:

• Start talking to your child at birth. Children start to understand the language we use long before they can use it themselves. We can talk to our children about what we’re doing and what our plans are for the day. The more children hear and see us speak with them, the quicker they will be able to learn how to talk themselves.
• Respond to your baby’s coos and babbling as your baby’s attempts at conversation. Pause and take turns listening and talking – you are starting to teach your child important social skills.
• Play simple games with your baby like peek-a-boo. Play is a great opportunity for face-to-face language based interaction with your child.
• When your child is talking to you, make sure you listen patiently to what he is trying to say. Look at him and give him as long as he needs to respond. Make sure you acknowledge your child when he is talking and answer his questions to reinforce his efforts.
• Read books out loud to your baby or young child. Make this part of your daily routine and encourage a love of reading.
• Ask questions, tell stories and sing songs together
• When your child is talking in single words or short sentences, repeat his comment or request as a full sentence, not to correct him but to model what you want him to learn, e.g. If your child says “milk” you can respond with, “Can I please have some milk? Yes of course.’’
• Similarly when he is learning grammar and the correct use of pronouns, don’t criticise your child, but instead model the correct grammar or use of pronouns for him in your responses, e.g. if your child says, “me want food”, you can respond with, “Can I please have some food? Sure. What would you like?”

We are passionate about supporting our families with the development of each child in their fundamental first five years. If you require any guidance or information about your child’s development please feel free to reach out to one of our educators who will support you as best they can or point you in the right direction of someone who can. 

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Dentists want you to bring in children as early as 1 year old.

Squirming toddlers, anxious parents and dental exams: When it comes to the choosing the right dentist for small children, you want a dental practice that’s comfortable caring for the youngest patients from the moment their baby teeth emerge.

Your child’s dentist will not only provide hands-on care but also educate you on how to prevent problems like tooth decay and maintain good oral health. If you’re looking for a children’s dentist office, here are some pointers:

Start Young

“The first step is making sure your children start seeing a dentist as early as possible, at the recommended age of 1 year old, so we can help reduce the risk of tooth decay,” says Dr. Jonathan Shenkin, a pediatric dentist with Augusta Pediatric Dentistry in Maine, and a spokesperson with the American Dental Association.

Make Regular Dental Visits

Seeing a dentist every six months is standard advice. However, the right interval between dental visits actually depends on your child’s oral health needs. “Children should see the dentist regularly,” Shenkin says, but the interval between visits could be more or less frequent depending on their age and specific problems. In some cases, for instance, a dentist might want to see a child at high risk of dental disease far more often to enable multiple fluoride treatments.

• 

Child Tooth Care Tips

As a parent, you play a major role in your child’s ongoing dental health. Your child’s dentist can teach you how to prevent tooth decay from the start. You’ll get expert tips like these:

• Brushing baby teeth. “At an early age, we really want parents to be wiping the teeth,” Shenkin says. You can use a damp washcloth or a baby-sized toothbrush with a soft head – soft bristles are important. During visits, dental professionals can demonstrate how parents can position babies to safely brush their teeth and feel comfortable doing so.

• Toothpaste type and amount. Fluoride toothpaste is advised – at a safe amount. Small children don’t need a whole strip of toothpaste on a toothbrush, Shenkin says. Kids who still lack the ability to spit will likely swallow excess toothpaste, he explains. “We recommend for kids under 3 only a rice-sized amount of toothpaste on a toothbrush,” he says. “From 3 to 6, we recommend a pea-sized amount of toothpaste.”

• Flossing without biting. Like adults, kids should floss. “We want them to start flossing when the back molars erupt, at about 2.5 years of age or so, and they start contacting each other.” Smaller kids don’t have the manual dexterity to floss on their own. For parents, the trick is to floss young children’s teeth without getting bitten themselves. Plastic pre-flossed flossers are a safe option, Shenkin says.

• Perils of juice and sugar. “Juice in sippy cups is actually a big problem,” Shenkin says. “A lot of parents are unaware that this is an issue.” Sugar consumption is a “huge” component in the risk of tooth decay among kids, he says. Rather than drinking a lot of sugary juice, kids are better off getting their vitamin C from whole fruits, which have much less sugar and the added benefit of fiber. Kids should drink more water both during the day and instead of juice at night.

• Getting dental sealants. “We do recommend dental sealants on permanent first molars,” Shenkin says. These molars, which come in at around age 6, are also known as six-year molars. Sealant consists of liquid material that fills in all the crevices and lines on the molar’s biting surface in which food and bacteria can get stuck, he explains. Kids ages 6 to 11 without sealants have almost triple the amount of first-molar cavities as kids with sealants, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

• Building a tooth care routine. The ultimate goal is to help kids develop dental habits that will last them a lifetime. Gradually getting kids used to the feeling of flossing and incorporating a twice-daily brushing routine is “critical,” Shenkin says.

Family Dentists

Your family dentist can provide dental care to patients of all ages. By seeing children earlier, they start off better, says Dr. Sandy Murad, a dentist with 1st Family Dental, which has multiple locations in the Chicago area. When parents wait until kids are 4 or 5 years old, she says, they may already have tooth decay. “Then the experience is more stressful for the children, rather than just being a fun experience – getting a toothbrush, getting a toy and just kind of seeing what we do.”

Family dental practices accommodate kids and adults alike. Many offices with 1st Family Dental include designated areas for kids with TVs and play areas with small slides, puzzles and books to keep them comfortable during the wait.

Parents come inside the clinical area with their children. “The nice thing is, if we have to take X-rays on the kid, the parents don’t even have to leave the room,” Murad says. “We have new digital X-rays that are not emitting radiation like before, when you had to leave the room and put a vest on.”

Although kids typically come in twice a year, some need a bit more follow up. Children with braces, for instance, often fall short on flossing and brushing, Murad says. “So we try to have them come in maybe three to four times a year, just during the braces period, to help them with hygiene and all that.”

If a child has multiple dental problems and potential behavioral issues that might make it preferable to take care of all the problems at once, possibly using stronger sedation than laughing gas, Murad says, that’s when she’ll refer that patient to a specialist like a pediatric dentist.

Pediatric Dentists

For infants and children with special needs, as well as for other kids, a pediatric dentist may be a good option. Some family dental practices include pediatric dentists on staff.

Pediatric dentists complete up to three years of specialty training after dental school, according to the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry website. They work exclusively with children, from infancy through adolescence.

“When you’re training in pediatric dentistry, you have to be trained in sedation,” Shenkin says. “You have to be trained in behavior management in children, how to manage very young children and how to manage unique issues like trauma and severe tooth decay.”

Pediatric dentists and staff members like dental hygienists strive to provide a kid-friendly, reassuring atmosphere.

“We try to create an environment that’s fun and friendly and try to diminish the anxiety for parents and children alike,” Shenkin says. “We have TVs and video games and fun colors in the office and a staff that’s all geared and trained in communicating with young children and anxious parents to help alleviate those fears and anxieties.”

Dental Specialists Your Child Might See

In some cases, your family or pediatric dentist might refer your child to one of the following dental professionals to address specific issues:

• Oral surgeon. Tooth extraction, adult tooth correction and injury treatment are common reasons that kids see oral surgeons.

• Orthodontist. Crowded, protruding or too-far-apart teeth, overbites and misaligned jaws are reasons kids see orthodontists for treatment with dental appliances such as braces or clear aligners.

• Periodontist. Gum diseases such as chronic inflammation (gingivitis) or receding gums occasionally require kids to see a periodontist.

• Endodontist. Root canals may be considered for children who have trauma to permanent teeth from mouth injuries, or in some cases, for severe cavities.

• Prosthodontist. Complex dental restorations, for instance for children born with cleft palates or missing teeth, are performed by prosthodontists.

Dealing With Dental Trauma

Active kids can accidentally damage their teeth. Playground mishaps or sports injuries – even with kids wearing mouthguards – may lead to chipped, cracked or detached teeth. Contact your dentist’s office and have an after-hours number to call if your child suffers a dental injury to receive immediate advice and follow-up care.

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Adolescent depression is on the rise. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that about 3.2 million 12- to 17-year-olds have had at least one major depressive episode within the past 12 months. Teen who are depressed often struggle with anxiety and substance abuse as well, which is why early detection of the mood disorder can be tricky.

Symptoms of adolescent depression frequently differ from symptoms in adults. For example, youth may experience more irritability and moodiness, sleep at odd times of the day and isolate themselves from adults, particularly family members, but still long to be with peers. Adults, however, may experience insomnia, intense bouts of sadness and isolate themselves from both friends and family.

In addition to varying with age, symptoms also differ by gender. According to a study published in the Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care, girls report feelings of sadness, guilt, worthlessness, punishment, tiredness and low energy, whereas boys report more irritability, depression and suicidal thoughts. With all of this symptomatic variation and conflicting information, it’s easy to miss the warning signs and chalk up adolescent depression to “typical” teen behavior.

Consequently, many depressed kids don’t get the help they need. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that only 20 percent of youth suffering from a mental health disorder, like depression, receive treatment for their condition. This means 80 percent, or about 12 million youth, are undertreated or not treated at all, and that’s a major concern, especially as adolescent depression is on the rise.

A study published this month in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology finds that over the past decade the number of youth with mental health disorders has more than doubled. This particular study examined data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, which has collected data on drug and alcohol use and mental health issues in America since 1971. Survey responses from more than 200,000 youth ages 12 to 17 between 2005 to 2017 and approximately 400,000 adults between 2008 to 2017 were reviewed, and what researchers discovered was alarming. For youth, major depression increased 52 percent from 2005 to 2017 – from 8.7 percent to13.2 percent, and it rose 63 percent in young adults ages 18 to 25 from 2009 (8.1 percent) to 2017 (13.2 percent).

The numbers highlight the mental health issues facing young people across the nation, and lead to the burning question: What has contributed to the increase in adolescent depression? Over the past decade, researchers have desperately sought to determine this. Unfortunately, there isn’t a conclusive answer, but there are about five common themes that have emerged from the data:

1. A modern-day diagnosis.

As an article in Johns Hopkins Health Review explains, adolescent depression is a relatively new diagnosis. Until the 1980s, mental health professionals were reluctant to diagnose youth with a mood disorder in part because the adolescent brain is still developing and they thought it would not be appropriate to diagnose someone so young with depression. Also, professionals believed that teen moodiness was perfectly normal during what is often referred to as the turbulent years.

2. Hyper-connected and overstimulated.

There’s no doubt about it, today’s teens are hyper-connected. Electronic devices are so intertwined with youth’s lives that the real world and virtual world coincide. With over 95 percent of teens having access to a smartphone and 45 percent online “almost constantly,” according to a Pew Research Center study, more and more teens are turning to the internet for social support and social comparison.

The recent research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology explained that the spike in depression, distress and suicidal tendencies may be connected to the social media trends among young people. For example, it’s not uncommon for youth to measure their self-worth based on the likes and comments they get from others, which is of course an inaccurate measure of one’s personal value. It’s no surprise that social media has been linked with negative psychological outcomes for youth.

3. Uncertain times.

Each generation is influenced and shaped by the history of the time. Today’s youth have grown up in the grim shadows of post-9-11. Unfortunately, this generation knows all too well the fear of terrorism. Whether it be a lone shooter or mass terrorist attack, our nation’s youth have come to know and live with violence in their lives. From concerts to malls and restaurants to schools, today’s youth understand the stark reality that they live in a time where their sense of security can instantly be stripped away by heinous and cowardly attacks of others.

4. Not enough sleep.

Sleep disturbance, described as insomnia or hypersomnia, is one of the primary symptoms of major depressive disorder. Teens are notoriously sleep-deprived, only getting about seven hours of the National Sleep Foundation’s recommended 8.5 to 9.25 hours. Time and time again, studies have indicated that youth aren’t getting enough sleep, and that can lead to a depressed mood, moodiness and irritability.

During the teen years, youth are undergoing dramatic maturational and physiological changes. Thus, the role of sleep in mental and physical health is extremely important. Good sleep has been associated with better physical, cognitive and psychological well-being. Consequently, poor sleep is related to health problems, and cognitive and psychological impairment.

5. Lack of community.

We live in stressful times. Our modern lifestyles highlight our hectic day-to-day routines, and that spills over into the lives of our children. With the go-go mentality, our community has dwindled, and as a result, our face-to-face connections have decreased.

Our lives are becoming more structured and organized. Before we became a technologically reliant and fast-paced society, our kids engaged in more unstructured play, ate less processed foods and exercised on a daily basis, but those times are fading. Today’s kids report that they feel rushed to do things and pressured to be successful.

Youth depression is a concern plaguing our nation, so much so that the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force has recommended that primary caregivers screen adolescents ages 12 to 18 for major depressive disorder. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. Not only should medical personnel help with identifying teen depression, but the responsibility should fall on all of us. We need to create healthy and trusting relationships with our youth, and in the process revive our community.

Suffering from a mental illness can be a frightening experience, especially if you have to suffer in silence. Fortunately, there are a variety of effective depression treatments available today. If you believe that your child or a loved one is struggling with depression, please seek professional help. Depression is treatable, and the earlier it’s treated the more effective the treatment is.

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Toddlers are brilliant. Aren’t they? They live in the present moment. They’re capable and innocent. And perhaps my favorite trait – they’re authentic. They’re unfiltered. They’re among the most honest humans on the planet. They’re unapologetically themselves.

But, perhaps they’re also the most misunderstood humans on the planet.

We, adults, have forgotten what it’s like to be a toddler. To be small and dependent. To be constantly learning. To feel only one (strong) emotion at a time, yet not have the tools to regulate that emotion. To experience the most rapid brain development of one’s life.

Instead, what our culture chooses to see are toddlers ‘throwing’ tantrums. Pushing our buttons. Testing our limits. Acting clingy, uncivilized and impolite.

This perspective can make us feel as though we’ve lost control. As if we’re ‘bad’ parents. As if we’re failing.

And so, we’re encouraged to control our children; to leverage our size and power.

Mainstream parenting focuses on modifying superficial behavior and resorting to tactics like punishments, time-outs, threats, bribes and rewards under the justification that perpetuating a dominance hierarchy is somehow serving the greater good.

And when these scare tactics don’t work…we escalate the punishment.

But, what if, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with our children? Nothing to be fixed. What if the problem is a lack of knowledge, understanding, and empathy within our society? And what if these techniques threaten to erode the ONLY influence you truly have with your child – your relationship.

Western society expects a parenting approach based on an adult’s wants rather than a child’s needs. But, what if, through our relationship, an understanding of child psychology and brain development, and a shift in perspective, we could find a way to be in harmony with our young children and grow alongside them? Becoming better people ourselves.

So, let’s dig a little deeper into the science of growing up. Let’s seek to understand WHY young children behave the way they do so that we can feel confidence and gratitude as we stand beside them, guiding them with patience and compassion on this adventure called toddlerhood.

When does the brain grow up?

As humans evolved to walk on two legs rather than four, the size of the pelvis needed to shrink considerably. For women, childbirth became more challenging; we evolved to give birth to our babies at a much earlier stage of development so that a newborn’s head could safely pass through the narrower birth canal. Some say, compared to other mammals, humans are born only half way through gestation; similar to baby kangaroos.

The biological tradeoff? Undeveloped brain = immature, helpless, dependent baby.

Compared to other mammals, the human brain is tiny at birth; a mere 25% of its ultimate adult size. Animals born into hostile environments tend to have larger infant brains to help them survive. Zebras, for example, need to be able to run with the herd just hours after birth – their relatively mature brains help them run and respond appropriately when a lion appears.

But, mother nature always has a survival strategy in place. So, what is the survival strategy for human babies with such tiny brains? Easy. Mum and Dad. Babies (and toddlers) are designed to keep us close most, if not all the time in order to protect them.

We’re designed to form secure attachments for a reason – in order for our species to survive and thrive.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests the brain doesn’t fully mature until our mid-late twenties. The frontal lobe, responsible for judgment, planning, assessing risks, and decision-making is the last region to complete development around age 30. So, what does this mean for us, as parents?

It means we need to be patient and compassionate with our kids. It means children are often incapable of the unrealistic expectations we place on them. It means that no matter how smart we think our three-year-old is, no matter how much we wish he could rationalise and reason, he simply doesn’t have the brain of an adult. We may hope kids will behave with self-discipline and self-control, but until their brains mature, it is our responsibility to guide them (and ‘lend’ them our prefrontal cortex until theirs matures).

How positive parenting encourages healthy brain development

Albert Einstein once said the most important question for us to answer is, “Is this a friendly universe?” Infancy and childhood are when we begin to answer that question. As a species, we are adaptable precisely because we are unfinished at birth. Children “build” a brain, that’s best suited to the environment they experience. A staggering seven hundred new neural connections (synapses) are formed in the brain every single second, equating to over one thousand trillion synapses by a child’s third birthday.

But the process of brain development doesn’t end at age three; by the time children reach their teenage years the number of neural synapses actually halves from one thousand trillion to five hundred trillion in a process called neural pruning.

So why would the brain create more synapses than it needs, only to discard the extras?

The answer lies in the interplay of genetic and environmental factors. While genetics provides a blueprint, it’s a child’s environment and their experiences that carry out the construction, forming the essential wiring of the brain. Repeated use of particular pathways strengthens individual connections.

Synapse strength is vital in developing emotional regulation abilities. This is why it’s critical that we provide our children with experiences that contribute to healthy brain development. For example, a child who experiences excessive stress will develop a larger brainstem – the part of the brain responsible for the fight, flight, freeze response. These children are more likely to become adults who are overly reactive to stress. Why? Because their early experiences suggest that they need to be on high alert. That their environment is unsafe (and so are they).

On the flip side, a child who experiences nurturing and responsiveness is able to devote their energy to growing a larger prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation. These children are more likely to become adults who are calm and emotionally stable. Why? Because their early experiences of interdependence and responsiveness suggest that their world is safe and that they can rely on those around them.

This is the type of care humans are biologically wired to expect.

Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson proposed that healthy psychological outcomes are dependent on the quality of caregiving. When the balance of care is empathic babies and toddlers grow into children who naturally trust the world. And trusting children feel confident about venturing out and exploring independently. This is how true independence develops.

Why Toddlers Need Meltdowns

Toddlers build up stress hormones as they cope with the challenges of daily life. But the part of the brain, which allows them to express strong emotions verbally, the prefrontal cortex, still isn’t fully developed. This means that toddlers can experience an intense emotion, but they don’t have the ability to verbalise, nor deal with it.

So, mother nature designed toddlers with a foolproof method to release emotional overload: meltdowns (or tantrums).

Toddlers don’t enjoy tantrums. They don’t intentionally “throw” a tantrum to manipulate us. Tantrums are outside a toddler’s conscious control.

When emotions overwhelm a young child, their brain isn’t able to maintain rational control. Their physiology helps restore equilibrium by having a meltdown to release their feelings and frustrations.

Tantrums are an opportunity for us to connect and deepen the trust our children already have in us.

Tantrums are an opportunity to learn as parents.

Tantrums are an opportunity to dig deep, to lean in and to help your child in the way they need.

Tantrums are an opportunity to up your game as a parent.

As unbelievable as it may sound, once I realised this, I can’t say I looked forward to tantrums but I didn’t dread them. I didn’t try to stop them. I didn’t fear them. I started approaching them with curiosity and wonder. I started expecting them, just as I expected my son to be hungry or tired.

So, what’s the best way to deal with a tantrum?

Firstly, remember a tantrum is not a reflection on you. Let’s repeat that; your child’s tantrum is not a reflection on you or your parenting. What is a reflection on you is your response to the tantrum. Can you find the courage to disable generational imprinting and cultural expectations and be the calm in your child’s storm? You cannot control another person, but you can choose your response.

“Release your attachments to how things “ought” to be and instead surrender to how they actually are.” Dr. Shefali Tsabury

So, remember tantrums are normal and healthy.

Take a deep breath. Close your eyes for a moment if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to center yourself. You are your child’s compass. You are their guide; they need to feel the reassurance that you are in charge, that you have their back and that they can rely on you when they feel like they are drowning in a sea of wild and unpredictable emotions.

Sit patiently with your child. Hold her close. Empathize. Observe.

What unmet needs could be underlying her strong emotions?

Say what you see, without judgment.

Give her words so she can understand her emotions. “You are so upset. You seem sad to say good-bye to Daddy. You’re crying…”

Remember, this is not about you.

Do not even attempt to rationalise or use logic – your child’s brain is all emotion right now. Connect on an emotional level first and then once she is calm, you can problem solve together.

Acknowledge her anger and frustrations, accept her emotions and wait it out.

By doing this (time and again) you’re strengthening your child’s belief that the universe is a safe place. That her parents accept and love her unconditionally. That there is no such thing as “good” or “bad emotions. That you will help her regulate her emotions and explore her feelings no matter how messy they may be.

Why Parents Need to Ditch Traditional Discipline

The mainstream approach may suggest a time out or walking away so that you don’t “reward” the behaviour by acknowledging it. Or threatening or punishing your child in some arbitrary way. But this approach is short-sighted – it may get the parent what they want in the short term, but it is not helping the child.

Because when young children feel abandoned, unheard and invalidated, they become anxious. The tantrum may temporarily stop, but you risk creating deep insecurity. We wouldn’t dream of treating a toddler as a “failure” for stumbling as they learn to walk. So why would we treat them harshly when they stumble through their emotional growth?

Traditional discipline has become synonymous with punishment. The Oxford Dictionary defines discipline as, ‘the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.’ But, the original meaning of the word came from its Latin origins, discipline, which means ‘instruction’. And disciplina derives from the Latin word discere, which means ‘to learn’. Traditional discipline techniques are, in my view, a lazy way of dealing with misunderstood behaviour, which in most cases derives from a child’s valid and unmet need. They also put the bulk of responsibility on the child and very little on the parent.

“Every day in a hundred ways our children ask, “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter?” Their behavior often reflects our response.” L.R.Knost

Compassion and empathetic guidance help toddlers develop a brain that can regulate itself emotionally within a few short years. By around the age of six, a child’s nervous system is almost completely wired. The ability to trust, self-soothe and empathize is established.

Children who’ve had compassionate, responsive and positive parents will come to understand and self-regulate their emotions most of the time. They’ll feel secure. They’ll build neural pathways within the brain to deliver soothing biochemicals that help to regulate emotions like fear and anger. They’ll grow into adults who feel comfortable in their own skin and with other people’s emotions, so they’re able to connect deeply with others.

It may feel overwhelming in the moment with a young child who is melting down, but take solace in the knowledge that the effort and sacrifices you are making are monumentally worthwhile. In years from now, your kids won’t remember what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel.

“Either we spend time meeting children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love or we spend the time dealing with the behaviors caused from their unmet needs. Either way we spend the time.” Pamela Leo

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