Category: Parenting

Posted in Parenting

Colic? How to Calm Your Crying Baby

Posted on by Tim Connolly

All babies cry. Most babies cry a lot. Some babies are more easily comforted, others can routinely work themselves into a frenzy. Of course it sends your heart racing. That’s Mother Nature’s way of insuring that the human race survives.

They must be dazzled and overwhelmed by the feast for the senses that greets them with every new day in the world. Their brains and nervous systems need time to mature so they can handle all the stimulation we take for granted. Crying is a way of expressing that overwhelm.

“She cries a lot. How do I know if this is colic?”

Colic is traditionally defined as 3 hours or more of daily crying, at least three times a week. 20% of babies are officially diagnosed with colic. But you could think of colic as simply crying that goes on and on and does not seem to have a cause.

It probably doesn’t matter if it’s actually colic, unless when your baby’s crying gets almost unbearable, it helps you to remember that there’s nothing wrong with you or him; it’s just colic. Whether it’s actually colic, or just lots of crying, it is always stressful, and it helps to know that it’s normal, it won’t last more than 3 months, and you will eventually have a perfectly cheerful baby.

“What causes all this crying?”

I’m assuming you’ve eliminated the obvious causes — i.e., the baby has been fed and burped and changed, and you’ve picked her up and moved around jiggling her, but the crying has continued. If you haven’t tried all this, start there.

The truth is that we don’t know what causes colic. There may be differing contributing causes for different babies, such as sensitivity to formula, food allergies, reflux or gastrointestinal upset.

In one study of colicky babies, when the moms stopped drinking cow’s milk, half the babies’ colic vanished. The other half, unfortunately, kept crying.

One easy thing to try that helps many irritable babies is to cut down on the foremilk they’re eating. You do this by pumping a little milk, throwing it away, and then nursing your baby. That’s because the initial milk — the foremilk — that comes out when the baby begins nursing is especially rich. Some moms make a lot of it, and some babies have such delicate digestion that it irritates them. By skipping some of the foremilk, the baby can digest the milk better, and for many babies, their crying stops.

Another miracle cure for colic was reported in the January 2007 issue of Pediatrics. The researchers had a 95% success rate by giving babies probiotics AND eliminating cow’s milk. They gave colicy babies who were breastfeeding 5 drops daily of beneficial gut bacteria (the probiotic L. reuteri). All the moms were asked to eliminate cows milk from their diet. 95% of the probiotic babies improved, as opposed to only 7 percent of the control babies, with crying improving somewhat in the first week and dramatically within a month. If this study is repeated with the same results by other researchers, probiotics will soon be prescribed as the cure for colic. In the meantime, any parent with a colicky baby will probably want to conduct their own private experiment to see if it works on their baby.

“He didn’t cry much for the first couple of weeks, but now he cries every evening for a few hours!”

This is very common. As babies become more aware of their surroundings, and stay awake for longer periods during the day, they cry more. It may be that the beneficial bacteria that was in her gut from your body is now gone, or that as babies are able to attend more to the world around them, they get more and more stimulated all day, and by evening, have no other way to relieve their anxiety. In any case, the result is the behavior we call colic: crying for many hours, often late into the night.

“But I don’t know how to comfort her and I feel so inept!”

After attending to your infant’s physical health and safety, learning to comfort her is one of the most important tasks you face. That’s not because crying is so terrible for infants, but because your feeling like a competent parent is a crucial building block in your relationship with her. The most effective way to reduce crying is to recreate a womb-like environment for your baby. Below, I tell you how to do that.

But while you can probably reduce your baby’s crying, I urge you to let yourself off the hook here. There may be absolutely nothing you can do except hold her. Haven’t you had times when what you needed was just to cry and to have someone there so you wouldn’t feel so alone? Once you have done what you can to ease discomfort, that is what your baby needs more than anything.

“But I worry that there might be something wrong with him!”

Every parent worries when their baby cries and they don’t know why. But if you’ve looked for obvious causes (did you eat spicy food before you nursed him? Have you eliminated milk from your diet if you’re nursing? Changed his formula?) and his doctor sees him regularly and has pronounced him thriving, you can rest assured that crying — even long periods of incessant crying — is considered normal for infants in our society, and there is nothing wrong with your baby.

“Why do you say it’s normal in our society? Don’t babies cry everywhere?”

Actually, no. In cultures where the infant is held or worn fairly constantly, colic is apparently virtually unknown and babies rarely cry for long. We don’t know if that’s the baby wearing or the diet in those cultures, or something else entirely.

“Is there a reason to think that baby-wearing helps?”

Research shows that babies who are held or carried more (both during the colic spells and at other times) are definitely less susceptible to colic. It is possible that wearing babies is so soothing that they are less overwhelmed throughout the day and build up less tension. I used to think of myself as the lightning rod for my infants.

But another way to interpret this data is just that some babies need to be held virtually all the time. When they are put down, they cry. When they are picked up, they often stop.

“I do hold and carry my baby a lot. But in the evening, it seems that isn’t enough, and he just cries and cries.”

Sometimes holding is not enough, and babies don’t stop crying unless they are walked, jostled, danced, bounced, rocked or subjected to some other rhythmic motion, which seems to dissipate their tension. I ruined a mattress with each of our babies, because I found that holding them while jumping on the bed soothed them better than anything during that first three months, and wearing out the mattress seemed a small price to pay for a happy baby.

Whatever movement your baby responds to, it takes a lot of energy from you. But it is infinitely better than listening to your baby cry. And the gift to your baby is enormous, as she gets the message that you can be depended on when she’s miserable.

“I’ve tried everything: wearing her much of the day in a snuggly, holding, soothing, swaddling, rhythmic motion, adding probiotics to her diet, giving up milk in mine. She’s still crying! What do I do?”

You witness. Sometimes people, especially babies, just need to cry. You override any needling suspicion in your mind that there is anything wrong with your parenting by reminding yourself that “Sometimes people just need to cry” and you hold your child, and she cries, and you do whatever you need to do to stay sane.

If you can pay attention to her, sing to her, empathize, that’s great. She will feel that warm connection even while she cries. But if you can’t, no shame. Put on headphones and listen to music that blocks out her crying. Don’t be surprised if holding her, in your new calm state, helps her to stop crying, especially if you start dancing or singing to the music on your headphones.

“I just can’t calm down when he cries like this. Even when I put the headphones on, the crying seems to reverberate in my head. It’s driving me crazy!”

If you can’t calm yourself, put the baby down. It helps babies to be held while they cry (true for most of us) but not if the adult is experiencing extreme anger or anxiety.

If you think you might lose control and shake your baby, it simply isn’t worth taking that chance. Put the baby in a safe place (crib, car seat, strapped in a baby seat or swing) and shut the door to that room. Put on headphones so that you can’t hear the crying through the door. Now do whatever you need to do to calm yourself down. Step outside for a moment or open the window, and breath in some fresh air. Feel your tension draining out through your feet. Shake out your hands. Call another adult to come over. Use a mantra to calm yourself: “This is what babies do. My baby is fine. I’m a good parent.”  Remind yourself not to take the crying personally, and that this too shall pass.

It also might help you to remember the old proverb about children each offering a finite amount of grief to their parents, just so you know that you’re getting it over with up front and the teenage years will be easy!

“I buy the idea that babies need another month or two in a womb-like environment to mature. But what do I do to create a womb-like environment for my baby?”

Techniques to Use When Your Baby Cries

These are techniques to use when your baby cries, but they are also preventive tools to keep your infant from getting over-stimulated all day long.

1. Hold or wear your baby

…as much as you can. As Dr. Sears says: “In counseling parents of fussy babies, we strive for two goals: to mellow the temperament of the baby and to increase the sensitivity of the parents. Babywearing helps foster both of these goals. By creating an organized, womblike, environment, wearing lessens a baby’s need to cry.” An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

2. Swaddle your baby.

Most newborns like to be wrapped securely. It reminds them of their snug womb. I hasten to add that as always you should listen to your baby, since there are babies who don’t like to be swaddled. And of course as babies get older they need to move, so you’ll want to swaddle only for sleeping, and only then if it helps the crying.

3. Rhythmic motion:

Again, reminiscent of the womb. Rocking works for some babies, but most of the time when they’re upset, more intense motion is called for. Some parents swear by baby swings or baby hammocks, others by putting the baby in a car seat and driving. But they don’t work for babies who need to be held at the same time that they’re moving. Some parents dance, some go up and down steps, some jump on mattresses, many develop the bobbing, swaying motion I call the Mom’s dance. Experiment to see what works for your baby.

4. White Noise:

Soothing sounds can muffle or block out the jarring traffic horns or even voices that can jangle and over-stimulate baby nerves. I found new age chanting to be effective, some people swear by their vacuum cleaner or white noise machine, others just whisper repetitive shushing noises. The sounds should not be loud enough to shock or scare your child into silence. Just provide a soothing, calming, repetitive sound.

5. Nurse your baby.

For some babies, nursing is a guaranteed instant soother. Why work any harder than that if you don’t have to? And, for the record, babies fed on a schedule are more likely to have colic. Feed your baby whenever he or she asks, and colic is less likely.

6. Explore other “cures.”

Some moms swear by infant massage. Some babies have food allergies, and if you change the formula, or if the breastfeeding mother changes her diet, the crying stops. Often a diet free of cows milk, wheat, or other common allergens is a miracle cure. Every parent of a colicky baby should try probiotics, as mentioned above.  

If you try all these suggestions and your baby keeps crying, by all means talk to your doctor, and keep asking the parents you know what worked for them. And hang in there. Sooner or later, your little screamer will be a perfectly charming baby. There are many bedtime stories to read for your children which leads to developing a good relationship with them.

Posted in Parenting

How to Reduce the Cost of Raising a Child

Posted on by Tim Connolly

The numbers are always staggering. Every January the U.S. Department of Agriculture releases its analysis of what it costs to raise a child. In 2017, the figure was $233,610 (before inflation) for a two-parent, middle-income family to raise a child to the age of 17.

And every January parents hear these numbers in the news and shake their heads. There’s no doubt it’s worth it but … wow! The question, then, becomes: does it have to be this way? Can you beat this trend while still raising your child in the way you feel best? The answer is a definite yes.

Reducing the cost of a raising child takes a combination of long-term planning and everyday discipline. The USDA bases this estimate on the Bureau of Labor Statistic’s annual Consumer Expenditure Survey, which draws a picture of an average American consumer. So it’s up to you to diverge from the average, starting with the top three costs the USDA names, in descending order: housing (29 percent of the total cost), food (18 percent) and childcare/ K-12 education (16 percent).

Housing and Education

These two are tied together because the old adage about real estate — location, location, location — applies to both. Consumers typically pay a premium for homes or rent in districts with higher-quality schools. If you are inclined to homeschool or send your child to private school anyway, it doesn’t make sense to also pay this premium. When you’re home shopping, it’s worth running the numbers of what a private school costs versus the added cost of buying in a higher-priced — and presumably higher-quality — school district. If you have more than one child, public school will likely come out cheaper, but single-child families might actually save. 

It also doesn’t make sense to pay this premium before your first child hits school age. The urge to move to a bigger house and settle in for the long haul is strong when your first child is born. The longer you wait, though, the more you will reduce your cost of raising a child.

Location is not just about individual school districts. It’s actually 27 percent cheaper to raise a child in a rural area than in an urban area in the Northeast, mostly due to the lower costs of housing and childcare. Of course, moving to a lower cost of living area has a lot more ramifications than just dollars and cents. However, when there are other benefits, such as being closer to family or the opportunity for a different lifestyle, parents do make the decision to move. When parents work from home, the lack of a tether to the workplace makes this an even more viable option.

Childcare

Childcare can be a huge expense for new parents, but thankfully it decreases as children grow and perhaps even goes away completely when they reach school age. But in those early years reducing childcare expenses means reducing your overall kid-related costs. Every family is different, but here are some possible ways to reduce childcare costs:

  • Be a stay-at-home parent. If one parent’s job is fairly low paying, it may make sense to simply quit and eliminate childcare costs, especially after the birth of a second child. Of course, to do this you may need to take other cost-cutting measures such as moving or cutting your overall spending. Also, keep in mind that you won’t save money in the long run if you don’t go back into the workforce when childcare is no longer needed.
  • Be a work-at-home parent. Parents who work from home don’t necessarily eliminate all childcare costs, but they can usually reduce them. Working part-time from home is also a good way for parents to keep their resumes up to date, making re-entry into the workforce smoother. Working from home also saves money in other ways such as commuting and clothing.
  • Have a grandparent or relative watch your child. This approach might not necessarily be free childcare, but it is usually cheaper than daycare. It can be difficult to find part-time childcare that is economical, so this is a good solution if you reduce your hours to part-time.

Food

Unlike childcare, the cost of feeding your child only increases as your child grows. That’s why the USDA estimates it costs more than $200 a month to feed a single teenager! Food expenses are the second-highest cost, so this is a place to save.

The best way to save money on food is to cook your own. Pre-cooked foods, take-out, and restaurants all cost significantly more than it does to cook your own fresh food. Easier said than done because one thing that parents lack, often more than money, is time. It can be daunting to come home from work and start cooking. This is where the self-discipline comes in. But here are a few tips to keep you cooking:

Devote a day (or at least the better part of an afternoon) to cooking. This can be once a month, once a week or somewhere in between, but set aside some time to cook ahead. When you do this, you will have the option to pull an easy dinner out of the freezer on a busy weeknight or put a slice of banana bread in your children’s school lunches instead of a pre-packaged snack.

Double your recipe. Then put half of it in the freezer for another night.

Plan your meals in advance. Make a weekly menu, figuring on a freezer meal for the nights you know you will be busy. Coming home from work and having no clue what you might cook is the easiest route to takeout.

College

In the USDA’s child-rearing estimate, costs decrease with each additional child, with what it calls the “cheaper by the dozen effect.” It states, “For married-couple families with one child, expenses averaged 27% more per child than expenses in a two-child family.”

However, the USDA’s cost estimate stops at age 18, so the big expense — college — is not included. And there, certainly, is no cheaper by the dozen effect on college tuition.

To reduce this huge cost of raising a child, you should start early, so as to spread out the hit on your income and to take advantage of the wonderful phenomenon known as compound interest. Ideally, you should start saving when your child is born. But as we have covered early, it’s expensive to raise a child so this can be tough. Wherever you are in your child-rearing journey, it’s not too late to start!

So how much should you save? Consider the one-third rule which states parents should save one-third of the costs, expect income, scholarships and financial aid to cover one third and loans for one third.

Saving gets you prepared for college and eases the big financial hit when kids enroll. However, to actually reduce the amount you spend:

  • Encourage your teenager to get a job and save for college too.
  • Get to know the financial aid process. Talk to guidance counselors and do your own research about scholarships and financial aid.
  • Carefully analyze the cost of public versus private schools. Public schools are usually much cheaper, but a good student can get private school scholarships making it competitive or possibly cheaper than public. But be wary of excessive loans from private schools.
  • Consider two years of community college followed a transfer to a four-year school.

More Ways to Save

Generally, having children forces people to be thriftier. It’s not just the big-ticket items mentioned above, but it’s the small things too that add up as a family grows, e.g. vacations, holidays, clothing, extracurricular activities, etc. Taking the time to think about ways to reduce these like saving on back to school shopping or holiday shopping is an important part of the equation.

Everyone has to maintain a financial budget and how much money should you save before having a baby, it’s difficult thing but you can learn about it just drop your comments in the comment section.

Posted in Parenting

A Child Bumps Her Head. What Happens Next Depends on Race?

Posted on by Tim Connolly

When a child experiences a mild head injury and a parent seeks medical attention, what happens next in New York City seems to depend on the ZIP code and the color of the parent’s skin.

In April, the actress Jenny Mollen, wife of the actor Jason Biggs and resident of Manhattan’s affluent West Village, announced on social media that she had accidentally dropped her 5-year-old son, causing a skull fracture and requiring treatment in the intensive care unit of a private Manhattan hospital’s I.C.U.

Three months earlier and several miles north in the Bronx, my client, a Latina mom, was folding laundry in her apartment when she saw her 9-month-old daughter and 7-year-old son bump heads while playing on the bed. The following day she noticed that her daughter had a bump on her head. She took the baby to her pediatrician, and a follow-up at the hospital showed two minor skull fractures with a small underlying bleed.

This is where Ms. Mollen’s and my client’s stories diverge. According to Ms. Mollen’s social media account of the incident, she and Mr. Biggs were met with compassion and sympathy by the hospital. Ms. Mollen publicly thanked the staff, saying she was “forever grateful.”

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At the Bronx hospital, though, my client was met with suspicion, interrogation and accusations of child abuse, even after explaining her daughter’s accidental head bump with her brother to the hospital staff. Emergency room staff members called the New York City Administration for Children’s Services to report possible child abuse. A.C.S. workers and the New York City police interrogated her, as well as her husband and their 14-year-old daughter. At no time was this distraught mother told she could or should contact a lawyer. Nonetheless, when the baby was ready for discharge without requiring any medical treatment, A.C.S. told her parents that they could not take her home and that they must identify family members to care for her and her siblings. Otherwise, the children would be placed in the foster system with strangers. Though she was still regularly nursing the baby and no judge had reviewed this decision, my client had no choice but to comply. She left the hospital without her daughter.

Two days later, as a family defense lawyer who represents parents against abuse charges in family court, I met her. She was terrified and shaking during our first conversation, and told me she had not seen her children in two days. The first thing she wanted to know was when they could come home. That day, without any evidence of wrongdoing, A.C.S. filed a petition in Bronx Family Court accusing her and her husband of child abuse by intentionally causing their daughter’s skull fractures. A.C.S. asked the judge to issue an order to keep the children out of their parents’ home and asked that they remain with a relative.

To be clear, there’s nothing to suggest that Ms. Mollen and Mr. Biggs abused their child or that they should have been investigated or charged with abuse. The outrage is not that they were treated with compassion and understanding — it’s that low-income black and Latino parents in the Bronx are not.

Though the words “skull fracture” are enough to bring chills to any parent of a young child, in reality mild skull fractures in young, mobile children commonly result from accidents and generally do not require treatment other than observation. And though parents can usually describe the event or provide information about how they believe a skull fracture was caused, it is not uncommon for a parent to notice increasing head swelling or a bump hours or days after something happened, when the child’s activities and movements are long forgotten.

In my experience representing parents against abuse charges in the Bronx, I have repeatedly seen the mere existence of a skull fracture in a young black or Latino child brought to the hospital trigger a call to a state child abuse hotline, an investigation, a child abuse accusation in family court and the removal of children from parents. This is especially the case when a parent cannot tell the hospital exactly how the injury was caused because it may have occurred days before the symptoms arose or were noticed.

In the past 18 months alone, we at Bronx Defenders have represented at least six parents charged with abuse based on a child’s minor head injury.

Research shows that black and Hispanic pediatric emergency room patients with minor head trauma are two to four times more likely to be evaluated and then reported (as suspected abusive head trauma) when compared with white, non-Hispanic patients. Once there are suspicions of abuse, black children are more likely to receive invasive testing like full body X-rays.

We have challenged child abuse allegations in the courtroom on several occasions, and it almost always turned out that A.C.S. had little medical evidence to support its contention that an isolated and mild skull fracture was from abuse rather than an unfortunate accident — even when the parent could not say how the fracture occurred. For family defense attorneys, the process of litigating hearings to exculpate parents and reunite families can last weeks or months, during which time the family is traumatically separated. Even short stays in foster care have proven harmful to children, who can be placed with strangers and separated from siblings, family and other support systems. To address this harm, which is experienced disparately by low-income parents of color, A.C.S. needs to change its practice of presumptively separating children from their parents without adequate evidence that the child was harmed by a parent.

In the case of my client, for example, I immediately consulted a New York City-based pediatric neurosurgeon to confirm that the baby’s skull fracture was minor, plausibly accidental, and that her mom’s story was consistent with the injury. It was then quickly exposed during my client’s arraignment that A.C.S. had no firm medical evidence to support its charge of child abuse. In fact, A.C.S. admitted that though it had separated her from her children and filed abuse charges, it had not spoken to a neurologist, neurosurgeon or child abuse specialist, nor had it spoken to any doctor who provided conclusive evidence that the baby’s skull fracture was anything other than an unfortunate accident. That day, over A.C.S.’s objections, the judge ordered that the children be returned home, and three months later, A.C.S. withdrew its charges and the case was dismissed.

But none of this should have happened. All families deserve the sort of support and compassion that the Biggs/Mollen family received in a time of need.

While a better-safe-than-sorry approach that accelerates child removals may sound like a responsible way to protect children, it ignores the harm and trauma children can experience when they are separated from their families and placed into foster care.

New York City must grapple with how and why it has permitted a system to hurt children by believing some parents but not others.

Rain or shine, there are plenty of outdoor learning opportunities for your children- both in childcare and at home. So go outside, get dirty, and have fun! and learn new things at Dad blogs about parenting and kids.

Posted in Parenting

Parenting Is Bad for Your Face

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Acne and other skin conditions can flare up during pregnancy and postpartum. Here’s what you can do about them.

“You either have the best skin of your life during pregnancy, or the worst.” That’s something my dermatologist told me when I came to him with what I thought was a rash but turned out to be a face full of acne. I was about five months pregnant with my first kid, and in shock. I never had acne as a teenager — a pimple was a once-a-year occurrence. I thought when you were pregnant you were supposed to glow, not have your face burst into flames.

Turns out that for a good portion of the pregnant population, glowing is a lie! While the research on this isn’t great, studies show that about 40 percent of pregnant women have acne, and while the majority of those women had acne before pregnancy, more than 13 percent of them didn’t. The folks with no history of acne who flare up as adults are the “most angry patients of the day,” said Dr. Jenny Murase, M.D., an associate clinical professor of dermatology at U.C.S.F. Medical Center.

To add insult to injury for all of us with our first acne during pregnancy — it may be because we’re getting older, not just because we’re pregnant. Dr. Murase said an onset of acne in your early 30s is very well-described in the medical literature. Because I had my first child at 30, “With the timing, it was your age and you were coincidentally pregnant,” she said.

But that’s not the only skin condition that may crop up during pregnancy, postpartum and beyond — in fact, there are so many things that might happen to your skin and hair (skin tags! hair loss!), but I’m focusing just on a few major areas in this newsletter. I talked to three dermatologists about some skin conditions to look out for, and how to deal with them.

Acne: The bad news first. “There are very few ways to treat acne during pregnancy,” said Dr. Hilary Baldwin, M.D., medical director of the Acne Treatment and Research Center in New Jersey and New York. There aren’t good studies about the use of acne medication on pregnant women. (This is an issue that crops up with all medications during pregnancy: Most studies on pregnant women and medication are observational, which are not the highest quality studies.)

But there are a few medications that have no data indicating adverse effects, Dr. Baldwin said, including metronidazole, clindamycin and azelaic acid. All three come in topical form, and metronidazole and clindamycin, which are antibiotics, are also available as oral medications (though the oral forms of these medications are not recommended during pregnancy). Over-the-counter treatments that work and are appropriate for use in pregnant women are limited.

Pretty much all topical treatments are safe to use while you’re nursing, Dr. Baldwin said. “The absorption is extremely low,” so the chances of anything ending up in your breast milk are tiny. Any oral medication that’s safe for a baby to take is safe for a nursing parent to take, Dr. Baldwin said. If you have an acne flare up during pregnancy or postpartum, it might not resolve immediately, she added. You may need ongoing treatment even after you stop nursing, but at that point you will have more options for medication.

Pigmentation problems: During pregnancy, your nipples may get darker; you may develop a line down the middle of your belly called the linea nigra, which can take many months after your baby’s birth to go away; and you may also get melasma, otherwise known as the mask of pregnancy. Melasma is “characterized by tan or brown patches on the cheek, the forehead, the upper lip and portions of the face,” said Dr. Andrew Alexis, M.D., chairman of the department of dermatology at Mount Sinai St. Luke’s and Mount Sinai West.

Melasma can happen in anyone but is more prevalent among women of color, said Dr. Alexis, who is also the director of the Skin of Color Center at Mount Sinai. During pregnancy, Dr. Alexis recommends preventative measures, like staying out of the sun, to avoid melasma. Once the mask of pregnancy appears, azelaic acid can be used to treat the condition in pregnant and nursing women, and it can be used later on. If you’re not nursing, you can also use creams containing hydroquinone, or topical retinoids like Retin-A, to treat melasma after you give birth, Dr. Alexis said.

Stretch marks: “There’s very little evidence of any therapy that can prevent them,” Dr. Alexis said. Extremely moisturizing lotions like shea butter might help reduce stretch marks, Dr. Alexis has found anecdotally, though there’s no evidence to support it. There’s not much to be done treatment-wise during pregnancy and lactation for stretch marks, he said. But when you’re no longer nursing, you can try retinoids to reduce their appearance. You can also try laser resurfacing, “but it requires multiple sessions to get the results, and there are some nuances to treating women of color,” because with darker skin there’s a higher risk of skin-color changes, Dr. Alexis said. So if you are a woman of color, it’s paramount to find a provider who has expertise in doing laser treatments on women with darker skin.

One last thing: You may think that being concerned with skin changes during your child-rearing years is mere vanity, but there are real psychological consequences to untreated severe conditions, Dr. Baldwin said. Studies have shown that acne can lead to negative body image, lower self-esteem, depression and even workplace discrimination. Which is all to say: It’s not frivolous or shallow to care about the way you look when you’re also caring for a baby.

Everyone has to maintain a financial budget and how much money should you save before having a baby, it’s difficult thing but you can learn about it just drop your comments in the comment section.

Posted in Parenting

Finding Myself in My Mother’s Calendars

Posted on by Tim Connolly

We tend to think they are about keeping track of time. They are about much more.

Among my mother’s legacies are four decades of yearly calendars. At the beginning of this year — a decade after her death — I resolved to read all 40. Could these appointment calendars, which she kept from 1965 through 2003, offer a window through which to glimpse my mother in the midst of living her life? Curious, I hoped that something as ordinary as her datebook might surprise me.

In the calendars, she is young again and on the go — this meeting or that, this child to the doctor and that one to the speech therapist, and all of them to the dentist.

An early entry in the first surviving calendar, Jan. 29, 1965, settles an ongoing sibling disagreement: “Carol sets [the table], Jane wash [the dishes], Nancy clears.” There we all are — her three daughters in the kitchen, our duties delineated. But it’s also the last year that all three of her daughters lived under her roof. As we headed off to college, the calendar kept track of our goings and comings.

Who owed her money from advances on their allowance? Well, that would be me (in debt for much of 1965 and 1966), and Nancy (complicated borrowing throughout the spring of 1965). Only my sister Jane — who went on to be deputy chief accountant of the Securities and Exchange Commission under President Bill Clinton — never borrowed money from my mother as a teenager.

My inauspicious appearance as a 14-year-old in debt is succeeded by a self-centered adolescent falling in love in 1967. The kitchen phone tethered us to the spot by its immobility; there the calendar received my scribbles. “Ken, Ken, Ken,” I wrote monotonously one Sunday, filling in dates that had already passed. Sometimes, I wrote my name as I talked with Ken, Ken, Ken. When I ventured forward in the calendar instead of backward, with a single “Carol” on Oct. 14, 1967, my mother pounced; she appended “is spoiled!” Teenage self-absorption lanced with a pen stroke. Her exclamation point reassures me that she wrote this in fun.

My mother’s calendars reveal her entangled world — daughters and their appointments, the friendships and responsibilities as the wife of a lawyer who later became a judge, and her own political concerns and activism. Born before women achieved the vote, she always voted, noting in her calendars every local and national election.

We lived in a village 40 miles west of Buffalo with no public transportation. When we needed to be somewhere, she got us there. The calendars do not expose the tension of fulfilling those duties: rebellion by children against attending an event or asserting they were, in fact, the one meant to set the table, not clear it. The most frequent reason for an event’s cancellation was “blizzard,” “snowstorm,” “some snow.”

We tend to think that calendars are about time, but I see now they are about much more — relationships (for whom will I set aside time?) and responsibilities (what events matter most and what is my role in them?). My mother was relentless, for instance, in fighting for people’s rights. Throughout the 1960s and 1970s her calendars show her advocating birth control, taking women to Buffalo for abortions (after 1973) and advocating housing solutions for migrant workers.

On the earliest calendars these causes weave like counterpoint with her family obligations. At other times, the calendar takes its turn as a diary, though the art calendars she used apportioned an entire week to one page. The stark capital letters across the date of April 4, 1968, shouting: “DR. KING ASSASSINATED!” reveal her shock and grief. They now appear as a scar.

My mother didn’t outsource her life. Her calendars for 1969, 1978 and 1991 track her duties as wedding planner for her daughters, each reception held at our family’s magnificent Victorian house. Weeks before “The Big Day,” as she called one wedding, she records her tasks: order linen and cake, call the caterer, see florist.

Through that large house also traipsed 40 years of pets: “Cyrano [a dog] bit by a rat;” “take Cassie [the cat] to the vet — if you can find her;” “Demeter [another dog] to Happy Tails.” Out in the barn, Rosie (the pony) needed a tetanus shot.

Each reference to me speaks of our relationship, but the one on May 24, 1989, “Carol in labor, 4:10,” causes a catch in my throat. I am becoming a mother for the second time, but we were 1,300 miles away, and so her calendar received her excitement.

Over time, the calendars began to reproach me. Throughout the 1990s, why wasn’t I visiting more? Her earlier calendars reassure me; my life in the 1990s was her life of the 1960s: balancing children’s appointments and activism. In those years, she recorded so many health appointments for others that when she made an appointment for herself she wrote in parentheses “me.” It reminds me that sometimes mothers are the afterthought in care.

As my calendar-reading project unfolded, I sprained my ankle. Feeling frailer than usual, I became haunted by the record I encountered of my mother’s aging body in the last years of the calendars, when medical appointments vied for primacy with social engagements. Jan. 3, 1990, “hurt knee in tub;” a broken hip, heart arrhythmia, stress tests, cataract surgery, blood tests, bone density scans, varicose veins, heart medication, ambulances to the ER, EKGs. I knew the end, too: the empty calendar of 2004 as Alzheimer’s lacerated her mind, and 2009, her death.

Each morning my parents came to life as another year unspooled before me. At night, my dreaming self became an unmoored time traveler as I encountered my parents of the 1960s and 1970s — my father in his favorite casual jacket, my mother in her kitchen, pets from those decades romping by. Should I tell these dream parents they will be dying soon? Recently I reached for the phone to call them — dead for a decade — and tell them of my day.

Time is like that coiled spring binding each calendar. Daughters’ weddings spiral into anniversaries, five years, then 25 years. The calendars function in reverse now, not a record of what is to come but of what was.

My mother’s calendars remind me this is how life is lived: from commitment to commitment, with interruptions from injury or weather. They tell me: Keep notes for tax purposes, take care of your pets, see the dentist, vote, include culture in your life, use your privilege to be an advocate, laugh at yourself, keep learning, remember the birthdays of your loved ones.

When my mother was dying, my sisters and I headed home. They arrived before I did. As I flew into Buffalo, they sat down for dinner with my parents. “Carol is coming,” my sisters told her. Though she lived several more days, that night she spoke her last words. My sisters repeated, “Carol is coming!” and Mom asked, “When’s the wedding?” My mother, our calendar keeper till the end.

At the time of pregnancy, managing your wife’s emotions is a difficult thing because she needs more care and attention, if you want to learn more about it then please drop your comments in the comment section.

Posted in Parenting

What Am I Doing to My Kid When I Yell?

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Short answer: You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of shouting matches.

Yelling at kids is incredibly easy to do, and many parents find themselves yelling on autopilot when behavior gets dicey. But yelling at kids isn’t effective. Still, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel effective. After all, yelling often feels like the best technique for getting a kid’s attention, punishing them, or simply expressing big parental feelings of anger. But all of the shouting, screaming, and yelling at kids is deeply unhelpful.

According to Dr. Laura Markham, yelling is clearly a parenting “technique” we can do without. The good news is that the psychological and emotional damage to a kid is minimal when parents yell (assuming it’s not true verbal abuse). The bad news is that those who are doing it constantly are setting up more shouting matches later in life.

Yelling at Kids Is Never Communicating

Nobody (except for a small percentage of sadists) enjoys being yelled at. So, why would kids? “When parents yell, kids acquiesce on the outside, but the child isn’t more open to your influence, they’re less so,” says Dr. Markham. Younger kids may bawl; older kids will get a glazed-over look — but both are shutting down instead of listening. That’s not communication.

Grown-Ups Are Scary When They Yell

The power parents hold over young kids is absolute. To them, their folks are humans twice their size who provide things they need to live: Food, shelter, love — Nick Jr. When the person they trust most frightens them, it rocks their sense of security. And yes, it’s truly frightening for a child. “They’ve done studies where people were filmed yelling. When it was played back to the subjects, they couldn’t believe how twisted their faces got,” says Dr. Markham. A 3-year-old may appear to push buttons and give off an attitude like an adult, but they still don’t have the emotional maturity to be treated like one.

Yelling Makes Kids Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Dr. Markham says that while parents who shout aren’t ruining their kids’ brains, per se, they are changing them. “Let’s say during a soothing experience [the brain’s] neurotransmitters respond by sending out soothing biochemicals that we’re safe. That’s when a child is building neural pathways to calm down.”

When a toddler with underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and not much in the way of the executive function gets screamed at, the opposite happens. “The kid releases biochemicals that say fight, flight, or freeze. They may hit you. They may run away. Or they freeze and look like a deer in headlights. None of those are good for brain formation,” she says. If that action happens repeatedly, the behavior becomes ingrained.

Yelling Makes Kids Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Dr. Markham says that while parents who shout aren’t ruining their kids’ brains, per se, they are changing them. “Let’s say during a soothing experience [the brain’s] neurotransmitters respond by sending out soothing biochemicals that we’re safe. That’s when a child is building neural pathways to calm down.”

When a toddler with an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex and not much in the way of the executive function gets screamed at, the opposite happens. “The kid releases biochemicals that say fight, flight, or freeze. They may hit you. They may run away. Or they freeze and look like a deer in headlights. None of those are good for brain formation,” she says. If that action happens repeatedly, the behavior becomes ingrained.

Parents Who Yell Train Kids to Yell

“Normalize” is a word that gets thrown about a lot these days in politics, but it’s also applicable to a child’s environment. Parents who constantly yell in the house make that behavior normal for a kid, and they’ll adapt to it. Dr. Markham notes that if a child doesn’t bat an eye when they’re being scolded, there’s too much scolding going on. Instead, parents need to first and foremost be models of self-regulation. In essence, to really get a kid to behave, grown-ups have to first.

It’s Not About “Letting Them Off Easy”

A parent may feel like they’re putting their foot down and establishing some discipline when they yell. What they’re really doing is exacerbating the problem. Scaring a kid at the moment may get them to knock off what they’re doing, but it’s also eroding trust in the relationship.

There is an alternative method that’s more effective and not as hard-line: humor. “If the parent responds with a sense of humor, you still maintain your authority and keep them connected to you,” says Dr. Markham. Laughter seems like a more welcomed outcome than cowering.

When It’s Okay to Yell

While the majority of the time yelling isn’t prescriptive, “there are times it’s great to raise your voice,” says Dr. Markham. “When you have kids hitting each other, like siblings, or there’s real danger.” These are instances when shocking them works, but she points out that once you get a kid’s attention, modulate your voice. Basically, yell to warn, but speak to explain.

Nobody is going to stifle themselves around their kids all the time, and nor should they. That’s not what it’s like to be a person. But it’s a harmful long-term parenting strategy. Rain or shine, there are plenty of outdoor learning opportunities for your children- both in childcare and at home. So go outside, get dirty, and have fun! and learn new things at Dad blogs about parenting and kids.

Posted in Parenting

What sport should my child play? Choosing The Right Sport For Your Child – Infographic

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Everything from better sleep to a clearer mind can be found from physical activity. As my grandmother used to say, “You’ve got to move the body!” With that in mind I share this infographic to help you choose a sport for your child.

Choosing the Right Sport for Your Child

If there’s one word that can be used to describe any child, it’s “potential.” Kids are bundles of raw potential. Finding the right outlet for your children, or helping them find it, can influence who they become and help shape the rest of their lives.

An obvious example of that potential is the near-limitless physical energy kids usually exert all day. Active kids are happy kids and sports are a physical activity that can give direction to that energy as well as help build positive character traits like resilience and teamwork. With the right combination of encouragement and enthusiasm, your kids can channel their boundless energy into a lifelong love of a sport that can add to their mental and physical health.

That love of sports can give children something they’ll enjoy doing for most of their lives — possibly giving them an opportunity to excel at the highest levels of competition. Yet for kids to become champions or even just lifelong enthusiasts, they have to begin by choosing the right sport. A child’s natural excitement for sports can be crushed quickly if he or she chooses to participate in a sport that isn’t suited for him or her.

You may want your daughter to experience the same fun you had playing with your friends on the basketball court, but she may prefer the individual focus of karate or gymnastics. Choosing the right sport for your kids may make a difference in whether or not they stick with it for other reasons, as well.

For example, your kids may love hockey, but if your family’s budget can’t keep up with the equipment costs, it’s likely your children won’t be able to stay on the ice. You also want to make sure that the sport your children choose gives them the best chance to succeed and continues to challenge them. For example, if your son is stronger than he is swift on his feet, he might have a better time participating in wrestling or football than cross-country or track.

All parents want to help their kids reach their fullest potential. That means helping to guide them toward making the best decisions as to where they want to direct that potential. Choosing the right sport for your kids can mean the difference between finding their passion and staying rooted to the couch. You can help your children to learn different things from the Point-system for kids and they can learn about financial freedom and life lessons.

Posted in Parenting

My child gets on my nerves!! 5 Strategies to Help You Take Your Kid’s Behavior Less Personally

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Maybe it’s an innocent comment like, “Ewww, Mama,your breath stinks, don’t kiss me!” or maybe it’s an angry outburst – name calling and slammed doors. Some things are hard not to take personally.

Do you ever find yourself thinking or saying any of the following?

You are making me so angry right now!

Why are you doing this to me?

Can’t he see he’s hurting me?

I can’t believe he’s treating me this way! He’s so ungrateful!

If those thoughts are coming up, you’ve got a pretty good indication you’re taking your child’s behavior personally. This means you wind up feeling hurt and angry. The next thing you know you’re in a power struggle with your child, or you’re saying things you swore you’d never say to them – trying to use guilt or shame to get them to behave the way you want them to.

Taking behavior personally makes it much harder to stay calm, much less think of solutions and be a leader.

How can we stay calm and not take things so personally?

First off – give yourself a bit of a break. You are certainly not the first person whose child has gotten on their nerves.

Getting on their parents nerves shows kids they have the power to make you react, and even if you’re reacting negatively, power is a huge motivator. This means kids have a knack for finding just what buttons to push to get the strongest reactions from their parents.

So – what can you do about it?

5 Strategies for Not Taking Your Child’s Behavior Personally:

1) It helps to remember that behavior is communication. Kid are young. They don’t have your years of experience dealing with frustration, fear or anger and they generally have far fewer resources for handling these big emotions. This means sometimes they express them inappropriately through their behavior.

2) Become familiar with your anger triggers. What actions, words or external circumstances are likely to get under your skin fast? Become familiar with your main anger triggers. As you notice these triggers you may be able to take steps to prevent them, or make plans for how to deal with them in the future.

3) Pause. There are VERY FEW behaviors that require immediate action. I love the way Rachel states this in her own post on not taking behavior personally. Her recommendation is: Stop, Pivot, Breathe. Sometimes you can’t leave the room for your own personal time out, but you can probably turn away or at least close your eyes as you take a deep breath.

It’s important to note that sometimes, if you’re very angry, it’s helpful to pause, catch yourself before exploding, and then simply state: “I’m too angry to talk about this right now.” You can wait out the immediate storm and work on problem solving and teaching once you’re more calm. Kids will not only remember your example of handling anger, they’ll also be more receptive to learning from you when they’re not afraid of your rage.

4) Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Where is this coming from for me? When you notice you’re taking your child’s behavior personally, it’s a great time to be a bit of a detective: What nerve did they touch? When have you felt like this before? What story are you hearing in your head about this behavior or these words? You might not know the answers right away, but investigating can help you understand why you feel so deeply in these moments, and lets you write a new script for yourself.

Recommended Book: Mindsight by Daniel Siegel. We don’t have to stay trapped by our past experiences and traumas. This book tells us how to use mindsight to unravel these traps and resolve recurring conflict in our lives.

5) Change your inner script – when you notice a thought like, “Why is he doing this to me!?” try changing it to: “I wonder what he needs from me right now?” In her book Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, Bonnie Harris explains:

To affect our child’s behavior, his internal state must first be understood, then accepted, then addressed.

Kids who are “misbehaving” are stressed because of an unmet need set some rule and Get your kids to follow rules . By thinking about what they might need, we move away from taking their behavior personally and move back into being their loving parent and guide.

Posted in Parenting

Teaching Kids Responsibility by Increasing Freedom

Posted on by Tim Connolly

When my twin sons were  7 years old, I saw a public service announcement on television that caught my attention. It encouraged parents to prepare kids to make healthy choices when they were teens by teaching children to make healthy decisions when they were younger, no matter what their age.

This made great sense to me. My job was to help my children learn how to responsibly manage increased freedom, and I needed to start by giving them greater freedom. I vowed to take this advice to heart.

First, I considered all the decisions and choices I was presently making for my kids. Were there any I could turn over to the boys to make for themselves? With this review I bumped into a sugar rule handed down to me from my mother. I had been following this rule since my own childhood, and both as a kid and an adult, I hated it. The rule? There would be no sweets until a well-balanced meal had been eaten; and only one sweet a day was allowed.

Should this rule be modified during Halloween and other sweet holidays? Do you know how many sweet holidays there are in a year? Almost every month there’s some sort of celebration that involves eating prodigious amounts of sugar. What about when Nana comes over for an unannounced, impromptu tea party that includes cupcakes and my children have already eaten their sweet treat at lunch? And when pancakes or waffles drizzled with syrup are served for breakfast, is that a meal or a sweet for the day?

I was now ready to implement my new strategy. Instead of being the sugar police, monitoring how much of it my children ate in a day, I was going to turn this responsibility over to them. After all, ultimately I wanted my children to mature into people who made good choices to support their own bodies. How would they learn what that meant if I was making choices for them rather than allowing them to (if they so chose) eat too much sugar and discover how lousy they felt? I wanted them to limit their sugar intake based on the feedback they got from their own bodies, rather than fear breaking one of “Mom’s rules.”

The process of teaching my children how to handle the additional personal responsibility of eating sugar was relatively simple. My courage was bolstered because I had just read a study proclaiming that children who were offered unlimited sweet treats and fruit and vegetables eventually chose to eat fruit and vegetables instead of sugar. The sugar binge was the first inclination of the children, but eventually the novelty of eating unlimited sugar wore off and better, more nutritious foods were chosen. Taking a leap of faith and with a large dose of hope, we began the great sugar experiment.

I told my sons that their dad and I no longer wanted to be in charge of how much sugar they ate. Instead we were asking them to tune into their own bodies to determine how much was enough and how much was too much. We cautioned them that there was a possibility the new policy of giving them total personal freedom to determine how much sugar they each ate could be tempered: If we observed either one needed more guidance, we would step in and help.

Amazingly, this experiment worked. There were only a few times when I asked one child, “Are you sure you want another piece of birthday cake?” or “Do you think one more handful of Nana’s M&M’s will feel good in your tummy right now?” On occasion, one son in particular would remind me that he was in charge of his sugar intake, not me.

They earned increased freedom by demonstrating responsible choices. If a child demonstrates through behavior and choices that he cannot handle greater freedom, parents need to step in and help the child learn.

I learned two important lessons from this experiment. First, when I was willing to give my children more control and freedom to make choices for themselves, they each experienced the consequences of their choices. Each learned how to make good choices, and learned self-discipline skills to avoid making poor choices.

When they became teens and were experimenting and tempted with cigarettes, alcohol and more dangerous substances, each child used his own body awareness and feelings to decide whether to go further down that unhealthy path or not. Simply knowing that using or abusing these substances was illegal and against his parents’ wishes may have contributed to each child’s decision to say, “No.” But the stronger, more important deterrent was knowing how their bodies felt when they made these unhealthy choices. It turned out the PSA advice was wise and accurate. The key to helping my children learn how to make healthy decisions was teaching them how to do so beginning well before they were adolescents.

I also learned that the first step to becoming a peaceful parent is to become a conscious parent. How many rules did I create and ask my children to follow simply because these were the rules I had grown up with? Did I like these rules? Did I agree with them? Just because my parents had rules that worked for them, did I want to keep following these same rules? Taking some time to consider, review and evaluate the rules I was setting for my children made me a conscious parent – and a better parent.

At the time of pregnancy, managing your wife’s emotions is a difficult thing because she needs more care and attention, if you want to learn more about it then please drop your comments in the comment section.

Posted in Parenting

Positive approaches to guiding behaviour (2 to 12 years) – Parent Easy Guide

Posted on by Tim Connolly

It takes time and practice for children to learn to manage their emotions and behaviour, just as it did for them to learn to walk, talk and feed themselves. They won’t always get things right as they build the skills to behave in ways that parents expect.

Some people think that punishing children will help them learn to do what is expected. However, positive approaches to guiding behaviour can benefit children’s development, keep your relationship strong, and lead to less challenging behaviour in the long run.

What drives children’s behaviour?

Children are born with a strong desire to connect with parents and caregivers, to please them and cooperate. This is because their survival depends on it.

They are also born with a strong desire to feel capable and learn to do things for themselves. They begin to use their will and a growing sense of themselves to explore and learn. They are like little scientists who get an idea in their head and learn how the world works by trying things out for themselves. Their behaviour can have a purpose that makes sense in their mind.

This natural curiosity and drive to become independent continues throughout their development. It often means children push against boundaries and limits which can be a challenge for parents. The child can be seen as ‘misbehaving’, naughty or defiant if the focus is on the behaviour itself rather than understanding the needs, thoughts, feelings or intentions that are driving it. Often challenging behaviour masks a child’s need to feel closer to you. They may not be aware of this or able to tell you.

It is important for parents to have clear expectations and boundaries that keep children safe as they learn. How these are communicated in the family can make a big difference to how children respond.

Studies also tell us that children:

  • learn best when they feel safe and secure and have a strong bond with parents and caregivers
  • need to feel a sense of worth and being capable
  • strive to be in control of themselves and make their own choices
  • have a natural desire to please parents and caregivers
  • learn best when they are actively involved
  • have better coping skills and wellbeing, and are more likely to achieve their goals when they are self-motivated rather than motivated by rewards and punishments
  • do better in all areas of life when they have skills to manage their emotions and behaviour.

Using positive approaches doesn’t mean there will never be difficult behaviour or stressful situations but it provides a strong foundation for dealing with them.

About positive approaches

Positive approaches to guiding behaviour aim to meet the needs which can drive behaviour rather than just trying to change the behaviour itself. They are not an easy option or a ‘quick fix’, and are not about being permissive and letting children do whatever they want. It is about communicating expectations and guiding behaviour in ways that involve:

  • taking a long-term view and aiming to raise children who are independent, self-motivated, responsible and get on well with others
  • having clear family values and expectations and talking with children about the kind of family you want to be
  • prioritising spending time with children and building your relationship
  • putting in the effort every day to help your family work well
  • being patient and consistent as children gain the skills to do what is expected. They will learn better if the other parent and key caregivers take the same approach as you
  • responding to challenging behaviour calmly and in ways that:
    • build your connection
    • help children feel understood
    • address their underlying needs
    • involve children in finding solutions that work for both of you.

Positive approaches involve seeing children’s ‘misbehaviour’ as an opportunity to build their skills and strengthen your relationship, rather than a potential for upset or a battle.

Encouraging cooperation in your family

The way you interact with your children every day sets the scene for how you guide their behaviour.

Strengthening your relationship

A strong relationship that encourages cooperation is fostered when you:

  • spend time with children to build your connection. Children need your attention because it shows them they really matter to you. It helps to spend time with them without screens or other distractions
  • have routines which help children know what to expect
  • role model the behaviour you expect of your children.

A strong emotional connection means children feel they can talk with you about their thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism or rejection. They are more
willing to cooperate and follow your guidance and to come to you for support or with problems.

Find ways to say ‘Yes’

Children often hear ‘No’ or ‘Don’t’ many times a day. This invites resistance and children can ‘tune out’. Finding ways to say ‘Yes’ makes ‘No’ easier to accept. It’s not about letting children have whatever they want but stating limits and boundaries in a calm and positive way.

For example, instead of saying: ‘No, you can’t have a lolly’, say ‘I know you love lollies and we have them on special occasions. This isn’t a special occasion, so let’s have something else’.

Help children build life skills

Give children lots of opportunity to learn skills and succeed. This builds their inner sense of worth, personal power and self-motivation. You could:

  • give them meaningful jobs to do in line with their age and ability. This helps them feel needed and that they belong in your family
  • let them do as much as they can for themselves but be ready to help when they need it. Ask how you can help rather than jumping in and taking over
  • involve children in making decisions about everyday matters appropriate for their age and development ‘Do you want to wear your red shirt or blue shirt today?’ When children feel they have a choice they are more willing to cooperate
  • involve children in finding solutions to everyday situations, eg how you can get ready on time in the morning. As children gain more skills, they can make a greater contribution. They are building problem solving skills for the future
  • help them learn to deal with disappointment. Even when they understand reasons, children can still feel disappointed. Acknowledge their feelings and help them learn that all feelings pass
  • support children to learn new activities and skills that interest them
  • help them become self-motivated by:
    • encouraging their curiosity and efforts to meet a
      new challenge
    • fostering a sense of pride and satisfaction in their
    • competence
    • acknowledging their efforts
    • helping them have a sense of control over a situation
  • use praise effectively by focussing on their efforts rather than the outcomes, eg ‘I can see how hard you worked on your project’, or ‘I really like the detail in your drawing’. General praise such as ‘You’re so clever’ doesn’t help them know what they did well.

There are variety of popular children book series available and with the help of those books you can teach your kids about economics, money management, life skills and life lessons.