Posted in Kids

DOES HOMEWORK IMPROVE ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT?

Posted on by Tim Connolly

A poll conducted for the Associated Press earlier this year found that about 57 percent of parents felt their child was assigned about the right amount of homework. Another 23 percent thought it was too little, 19 percent thought it was too much.

Educators should be thrilled by these numbers. Pleasing a majority of parents regarding homework and having equal numbers of dissenters shouting “too much!” and “too little!” is about as good as they can hope for.

But opinions cannot tell us whether homework works; only research can, which is why my colleagues and I have conducted a combined analysis of dozens of homework studies to examine whether homework is beneficial and what amount of homework is appropriate for our children.

The homework question is best answered by comparing students who are assigned homework with students assigned no homework but who are similar in other ways. The results of such studies suggest that homework can improve students’ scores on the class tests that come at the end of a topic. Students assigned homework in 2nd grade did better on math, 3rd and 4th graders did better on English skills and vocabulary, 5th graders on social studies, 9th through 12th graders on American history, and 12th graders on Shakespeare.

Less authoritative are 12 studies that link the amount of homework to achievement, but control for lots of other factors that might influence this connection. These types of studies, often based on national samples of students, also find a positive link between time on homework and achievement.

Yet other studies simply correlate homework and achievement with no attempt to control for student differences. In 35 such studies, about 77 percent find the link between homework and achievement is positive. Most interesting, though, is these results suggest little or no relationship between homework and achievement for elementary school students.

Why might that be? Younger children have less developed study habits and are less able to tune out distractions at home. Studies also suggest that young students who are struggling in school take more time to complete homework assignments simply because these assignments are more difficult for them.

So, how much homework should students do? The National PTA and the NEA have a parent guide called “Helping Your Child Get the Most Out of Homework.” It states, “Most educators agree that for children in grades K-2, homework is more effective when it does not exceed 10-20 minutes each day; older children, in grades 3-6, can handle 30-60 minutes a day; in junior and senior high, the amount of homework will vary by subject….” Many school district policies state that high school students should expect about 30 minutes of homework for each academic course they take, a bit more for honors or advanced placement courses.

These recommendations are consistent with the conclusions reached by our analysis. Practice assignments do improve scores on class tests at all grade levels. A little amount of homework may help elementary school students build study habits. Homework for junior high students appears to reach the point of diminishing returns after about 90 minutes a night. For high school students, the positive line continues to climb until between 90 minutes and 2½ hours of homework a night, after which returns diminish.

Beyond achievement, proponents of homework argue that it can have many other beneficial effects. They claim it can help students develop good study habits so they are ready to grow as their cognitive capacities mature. It can help students recognize that learning can occur at home as well as at school. Homework can foster independent learning and responsible character traits. And it can give parents an opportunity to see what’s going on at school and let them express positive attitudes toward achievement.

Opponents of homework counter that it can also have negative effects. They argue it can lead to boredom with schoolwork, since all activities remain interesting only for so long. Homework can deny students access to leisure activities that also teach important life skills. Parents can get too involved in homework — pressuring their child and confusing him by using different instructional techniques than the teacher.

My feeling is that homework policies should prescribe amounts of homework consistent with the research evidence, but which also give individual schools and teachers some flexibility to take into account the unique needs and circumstances of their students and families. In general, teachers should avoid either extreme.

Posted in Kids

8 Ways to Teach Kids Self-Discipline Skills

Posted on by Tim Connolly

No matter which type of discipline you use with your child, the ultimate goal of your parenting strategy should be to teach your child self-discipline.

Self-discipline helps kids delay gratification, resist unhealthy temptations, and tolerate the discomfort needed to reach their long-term goals. From choosing to turn off the video game to work on homework, to resisting an extra cookie when Mom isn’t looking, self-discipline is the key to helping kids become responsible adults. 

It’s important to give kids the skills they need to develop self-discipline as well as an opportunity to practice making good choices. Here are eight things you can do to help your child learn and practice self-discipline.1

1. Provide Structure:-

Create a similar schedule every day and your child will get used to the routine. When she knows what she’s supposed to be doing, she’ll be less likely to get derailed by other activities.

A good morning routine helps kids know when it’s time to eat breakfast, comb their hair, brush their teeth, and get dressed.

A good after-school routine teaches kids how to divide their time between chores, homework, and fun activities. And a consistent bedtime routine will help kids settle down and fall asleep faster.

Keep your child’s routines simple. And with practice, your child will learn to implement the routine without your assistance.2

2. Explain the Reason Behind Your Rules:-

When it comes to helping kids learn how to make healthy choices, an authoritative approach is best because it helps kids understand the reasons for the rules.

Instead of saying, “Do your homework now because I said so,” explain the underlying reason for the rule. Say, “It’s a good choice to do your homework first and then have free time later, as a reward for getting your work done.”

This helps them to understand the underlying reasons for your rules. Instead of saying, “My mom said I have to do this,” your child will understand the rules serve a purpose. 

Of course, you don’t want to launch lengthy explanations or lectures that will bore your child. But a quick explanation about why you think certain choices are important can help your child understand choices better.3

3. Give Consequences:-

Sometimes, natural consequences can teach some of life’s greatest lessons.

A child who constantly forgets to grab his jacket as he runs out the door won’t learn if a parent always delivers his jacket to the school. Facing the natural consequences of his behavior (like feeling cold at recess) might help remember to get his coat next time.

At other times, kids need logical consequences. A child who plays too rough with his mother’s computer might learn to be gentler when he loses his computer privileges. Or a child who has trouble getting up in the morning may need an earlier bedtime that night.

It’s important to avoid power struggles. Trying to force your child to do something won’t teach self-discipline.

Explain what the negative consequences will be if your child makes a poor choice. Then, let your child make the choice.

Say, “If you don’t pick up your toys right now, you’ll need to go to time-out.” Follow through with a consequence if he doesn’t pick up, but don’t yell or try to force him into compliance.

Keep in mind that he needs to learn how to make healthy decisions on his own, by examining the potential consequences of his behavior.4

4. Shape Behavior One Step at a Time:-

Self-discipline is a process that takes years to hone and refine. Use age-appropriate discipline strategies to shape behavior one step at a time.

Instead of expecting a 6-year-old to suddenly be able to do his entire morning routine without any reminders, use a picture chart on the wall that depicts someone combing his hair, brushing his teeth, and getting dressed. You can even take pictures of your child doing these activities and create your own chart.

When necessary, provide reminders to your child to look at the chart until he is able to look at the chart and do each task on his own. Eventually, he’ll need fewer reminders and won’t require the chart as his self-discipline improves.

Any time your child is learning a new skill or gaining more independence, help him do so one small step at a time.5

5. Praise Good Behavior:-

Provide positive attention and praise whenever your child demonstrates self-discipline. Point out the good behavior you want to see more often.

For example, instead of saying “Good job not hitting your brother when you were mad,” say, “Good job using your words to solve the problem.”

Sometimes good behavior goes unnoticed and giving kids praise for making good choices increases the likelihood that they’ll repeat that behavior.

Provide praise when kids do things without requiring reminders. Say, “Great job sitting down to do your homework before I even told you to!” or “I’m so proud that you chose to clean your room today all on your own.”

Even saying, “Great job putting your dish in the sink when you were done eating,” can encourage a repeat performance.6

6. Teach Problem-Solving Skills:-

Teach problem-solving skills and work together to problem-solve specific issues related to self-discipline.

Sometimes, asking kids what they think would be helpful can be an eye-opening experience that can lead to creative solutions.

There may be a fairly simple solution to a behavior problem. A child who struggles to get dressed in time for school may benefit from having her outfit picked out the night before. Setting a timer for five minutes might also keep her on task.

More complex problems may require a series of trial and error type interventions.

A teenager who isn’t getting his homework done may need several changes before he becomes more motivated to get his work done on his own. Try removing a privilege. If that doesn’t work, try having him stay after school to see if he can get it done before he comes home.

Keep trying different solutions until you can find something that works while keeping him involved in the process.7

7. Model Self-Discipline:-

Kids learn best by watching adults. If your child sees you procrastinating or choosing to watch TV instead of doing the dishes, he’ll pick up on your habits.

Make it a priority to model self-discipline. Pay attention to areas where you might struggle with discipline.

Perhaps you spend too much money, eat too much, or lose your temper when you’re angry. Work on those areas and make it clear to your child that you seek to do better.8

8. Reward Good Behavior:-

A reward system can target specific behavior problems. A preschooler who struggles to stay in his own bed at night may benefit from a sticker chart to motivate him. An older child who struggles to do his homework on time and get his chores done may benefit from a token economy system.

Reward systems should be short-term. Phase them out as your child begins to gain self-discipline.

Keep in mind that there are plenty of rewards that don’t cost money. Use extra privileges, like electronics time, to motivate your child to become more responsible.

Posted in Kids

Ways to boost your child’s self-esteem

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Self-esteem refers to how we feel about ourselves — our value and worth in our own opinion. The higher our self-esteem, the more confident we are. The same holds true for children. Those with higher self-esteem are happier, more co-operative and open to new things, more secure and loving than those with low self-esteem.

~ Encourage your child

Honest encouragement is the quickest way to build a person’s self-esteem. Find some way to encourage your child every day. Make sure it is realistic and honest. Whenever possible, encourage your children to try something new, even if they are not successful at it. If need be, give them a task you know can be completed just so you can encourage them. Focus on the positive aspects of your child’s behavior. Even if you don’t like some of the behavior, find something positive to focus on.

~ Listen to your child

When your child shares something with you, give your undivided attention and listen carefully. It may be childish stuff to you, but it is very important to your child. Don’t offer advice unless it is asked for or if you feel your child’s safety is involved. Don’t ridicule or shame your children.

~ Show them they are important

Show your children what they do is important to you. Talk about their day’s activities, interests, and schoolwork. Get to know their friends. Attend their sports days, parent’s day at school, annual days or any other events they may be part of. Be available to support them always.

~ Give positive, accurate feedback

A comment such as, ‘You always scream while talking!’ will cause a child to start believing he or she doesn’t know how to speak politely. Instead, try something like ‘You were really angry, but I appreciate that you didn’t hit anyone.’ This acknowledges your child’s feelings and rewards the choices made, encouraging him or her to make the right choice again the next time.

~ Create a safe, nurturing home environment

A child who does not feel safe at home will suffer immensely from low self-esteem. A child who is exposed to parents who fight and argue repeatedly may become depressed and withdrawn. Always remember to respect your child and provide a happy environment.

~ Allow your child to help

Activities that encourage co-operation rather than competition are especially helpful in boosting self-esteem. For example, allowing your older child to help with a newborn baby or allowing your child to help you with simple household tasks will work wonders for the self-esteem.

~ Encourage spending time with other children

Invite children over and let your child decide what you should cook for them or the toys to be removed for sharing, etc. Look for activities with peers where your child can feel success and acceptance, such as participating in a sport or joining a class. Choose an activity that is appropriate for your child’s age. Let it be a fun time. These things will also teach your child basic social skills such as listening, taking turns while speaking, respect, co-operation and ways to make and maintain friendship.

~ Appreciate your child’s uniqueness

Don’t compare your child with siblings or even with any other child. All children are unique and have their own set of special abilities. Find your child’s strength and encourage him or her to build on that.

~ Let your child try

Even if your children have difficulty with a new task or skill, don’t quickly take over and show them how to do it. Be patient and let them try. If need be, you can break up a difficult task. Simple steps help children see progress when learning a complex skill. Don’t embarrass your children by asking them to do difficult tasks in front of other people. When your children are learning new skills that take practice, such as riding a bicycle, don’t expect perfection the first time. Encourage them to practice and talk about their improvement with each practice session.

~ Use language that builds self-esteem

Speak to children with phrases that build self-esteem, such as, ‘Thank you for helping,’ or ‘That was an excellent idea.’ Avoid using negative phrases that decrease self-esteem such as ‘How many times have I told you?’ or ‘Why are you so stupid?’

~ Encourage your child to be a thinker

Encourage children to be creative by exploring ideas with them that are fun and interesting. Take them for field trips to places of their interest. Take part in their excitement about what they see and enjoy.

~ Have realistic expectations and goals for your child

When parents expect their children to do more than their age and level of maturity permits, they are disappointed again and again, thus sending a message to their children to be disappointed in themselves. Having realistic expectations provides children with a sense of control over their lives. This goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem, which increases as they achieve success when realistic and achievable goals are completed.

To conclude, although building self-esteem is a lifelong process, the foundation of self-esteem is established in childhood. This foundation will make a child face any hurdle in life with courage and confidence.

Posted in Kids

The Powerful Psychology Behind Cleanliness By Kids

Posted on by Tim Connolly

The positive psychology behind organization:

Keeping things clean and organized is good for you, and science can prove it.

A study led by associate professor NiCole R. Keith, Ph.D., research scientist and professor at Indiana University, found that people with clean houses are healthier than people with messy houses. Keith and her colleagues tracked the physical health of 998 African Americans between the ages of 49 and 65, a demographic known to be at an increased risk for heart disease. Participants who kept their homes clean were healthier and more active than those who didn’t. In fact, house cleanliness was even more of a predictor for physical health than neighborhood walkability.

A 2010 study published in the scientific journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin used linguistic analysis software to measure the way 60 individuals discussed their homes. Women who described their living spaces as “cluttered” or full of “unfinished projects” were more likely to be depressed and fatigued than women who described their homes as “restful” and “restorative.” The researchers also found that women with cluttered homes expressed higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

In 2011, researchers at Princeton University found that clutter can actually make it more difficult to focus on a particular task. Specifically, they found that the visual cortex can be overwhelmed by task-irrelevant objects, making it harder to allocate attention and complete tasks efficiently.

A survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation found that people who make their beds every morning are 19 percent more likely to report regularly getting a good night’s sleep. People who were surveyed also reported benefits from having clean sheets — specifically, 75 percent of people said they get a better night’s rest when their sheets are freshly cleaned because they feel more comfortable.

Maintaining an organized schedule and a list of short-term goals can help you stay in shape. A study in the Journal of Obesity found that people who carefully plan their exercise regimen, set goals and regularly record their progress are more likely to keep up an exercise program than people who show up at the gym without a clear plan in mind.article continues after advertisement

What makes staying organized so difficult?

If staying organized is so good for you, why doesn’t everyone do it?

1. You have too much clutter.

The problem: As we go through life, we pick up little (or big) objects that we don’t necessarily need. For instance, you might own a bag of fertilizer from back when you thought you’d start a garden. You might have a collection of old birthday cards or a waffle iron on your kitchen counter that you never use. These objects take up space that could be better used by other, more necessary items.

The solution: Getting rid of clutter can be difficult, especially since we often attach emotional feelings to old objects. Try your best to donate or throw away your clutter. If you’re afraid to let certain things go, try taking photographs of them so that you’ll always have a physical reminder. You might also find new places to store these objects as your house becomes more organized.

2. You don’t have enough time.

The problem: Organizing just one room takes a LOT of time. When faced with the prospect of organizing your entire home, you might be tempted to give up before you start. How are you supposed to keep up with your career, your family and your hobbies if you’re spending all of your time cleaning? Unfortunately, when your home is disorganized, you work less efficiently, giving you even less free time. It can become a vicious cycle.article continues after advertisement

The solution: As with any daunting project, take things one step at a time. Spend 30 minutes a day on cleaning and organization. If you don’t have time for that, try 15 minutes. If you don’t have time for that, try 10 minutes. The website make Your Habitat (sometimes called Unfilth Your Habitat) is a fun, helpful way to break down chores into small bites.

3. You forget how nice it feels to be organized.

The problem: Few things are more satisfying than entering a perfectly clean home. Unfortunately, once your house is clean, it becomes easier to slip into bad habits. You might be tempted to leave your jacket on the floor because going to the coat rack feels like too much work. Or you might squeeze a book into an overcrowded bookshelf, because what’s one book anyway? Soon enough, your home will be just as disorganized as before.

The solution: Look at organization porn. Read an anti-clutter blog. Remember this article. People who keep their homes clean and organized are healthier, both physically and mentally. Spending the time and effort to keep your space clean is well worth it.

Why do we love organization?

The human body is made up of tens of thousands of integrated biological and neurochemical systems, all of which are — yes — organized. Many of our cells operate on strict schedules, or circadian rhythms. Even at the atomic level, we are well-regulated and well-organized. Without this organization, our bodies would collapse into chaos.article continues after advertisement

It wouldn’t be surprising, then, if the reason we crave symmetry and cleanliness in our homes is to mirror the organization within our very own bodies. Neatness and order support health — and oppose chaos.

Regardless of the why, however, it’s clear that staying clean and organized is a good thing. It helps us feel better about ourselves, it keeps us productive and it may very well keep us physically fit. The next time we bemoan having to clean our home, let’s try to keep these things in mind. We’ll feel much better when everything is organized.

Posted in Discipline in kids

6 Secrets of Highly Effective Discipline From a Seasoned Teacher

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Have you noticed how kids behave differently at school than at home?

As an early education teacher, one of the most common questions I get from parents when they see their kids voluntarily cleaning up the classroom or sharing happily with other kids is.

Today, I’d like to share with you the 6 secrets of highly effective discipline –

#1: Effective discipline is NOT about punishment!

Discipline comes from the Latin word “disciplinare”, which means, “to teach.”

I’m completely aware of Merriam-Webster’s definition as “punishment” and it is why so many parents dread being the disciplinarian, but discipline that actually works is NEVER about punishment.

Discipline is simply a way to guide and manage a child’s behavior.

Discipline is based on the quality of a child’s relationship with the care provider (a teacher in the classroom; mom and dad at home). When a child receives consistent response from a caring adult, trust, deep attachment and a sense of being wanted develops. This forms the foundation of good behavior and effective discipline.

The key is to ensure that these relationships are respectful, responsive and reciprocal.

As a teacher I understood establishing a daily routine and frequent communication was vital to developing respectful and meaningful relationships which directly affect behavior and a child’s ability to learn.

For instance, as children arrive into my classroom, I always make sure to greet them at the door; just as they greet me.  I’m never “busy” planning curriculum, checking attendance or talking, texting or tinkering with my phone at drop off and pick up times. To take no notice of a child left in my care would send a message saying, “You’re not worth my time” which begins a cycle of mistrust.

At home, one way I put being respectful, responsive and reciprocal into practice is by setting my alarm clock 30 minutes before my daughter needs to start getting ready for school. Not so I can begin my day with peace and quiet, but so I can wake her gently.

First I turn on the light and call out her name and announce it is time to start thinking about getting up. After two or three minutes, I go to her room again, pull the covers and hair away from her face and tell her “it’s time to start getting up.” She’ll usually mutter along the lines of “I am trying” with her arms wrapped around my waist and her head buried in my stomach. I give her a big squeeze and a smooch on top of her head and tell her “go to the bathroom.”

In a few minutes I go into the bathroom to find her mostly asleep on the toilet, with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.  I call out to her again “wake up and brush your teeth” and she rises from her throne before I head downstairs to make her lunch.

I can hear the resounding “AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!” echoing in my head, but how would you react if your partner came running into your room quarter past 7, hollering for you to get up, tearing the blankets off of you, pulling you out of bed and shoving you into the bathroom? I know in my house there would definitely be a fight.

My daughter isn’t trying to be difficult. Nor is she spoiled and she certainly doesn’t stay up late. She just needs some time in the mornings before she is ready to take on the day.

When I adjust my expectations according to that instead of punishing her, things go a lot smoother.

#2: Effective discipline is about positive reinforcement

Positive reinforcement comes in many flavors: smiling, sharing a high five and giving effective praise.

In the classroom, I’ve noticed that effective praise is selective, specific, encouraging and positive. It avoids comparisons and competition. It compares a child’s progress with his/her past performance rather than with other children and it’s delivered in a caring, natural tone of voice.  Believe me children know when you’re just blowing smoke.

Also, I try to avoid using blanket phrases like “good job”, or “good girl/boy” and be specific about the action or observed good behavior.

The most effective of all techniques though is to catch children being good or in an act of kindness. The reward and acknowledgement will be more genuine than if your child runs up to you and exclaims he cleaned his room or shared his cookie with his baby sister.

When an older child tied the shoes of a younger child in my class I was all over it; I told him what he did was caring and kind. Then I drew attention to the facial expression of the girl he helped; she was smiling. When I asked her how she felt she replied “Good”.

At home this translates to making sure we stay away from comparison between siblings, calling names or using labels and copping out using standby phrases like “good job”.

Positive reinforcement can also be tangible; for example stickers, prizes and charts, but use it only as a last resort and for a short amount of time.

#3: Effective discipline is about modeling the right behavior

In addition to offering positive reinforcement, modeling appropriate behavior is equally important. Be mindful of what you say and how you say it —  not just when you are talking to your child, but when dealing with others as well.

Modeling provides visual clues to what acceptable behavior is and indirectly reinforces the appropriate way to act.

Consider for example what happens in your car. Suppose you’re driving down the highway when suddenly you notice the car behind you is barely inches from your bumper, then the driver begins flashing the high beam and leaning on the horn.

Most people would let loose a slew of obscenities, jam on the brake and maybe throw up a “friendly” hand gesture, but suppose instead you slowdown in an attempt to get the aggressive driver pass you or you change lanes and let the hurried driver pass.

The first scenario can be confusing to your child if you’re always reminding them to “use nice words” and showing joy when you catch them using nice words. What is being demonstrated is the opposite — a lack of self-control — and conveys that you don’t have to use nice words when you’re angry. The second scenario demonstrates proper problem solving skills by remaining calm and not endangering others on the road despite being angry.

One of my worst habits in the toddler room was sitting on tables and other furniture  (because infant/toddler furniture is infant/toddler sized). I wasn’t aware I was doing it until I found myself in a full blown conversation with a tot sitting beside me on a shelf. And even though climbing is important to gross motor development at this stage, climbing furniture isn’t something that I want to encourage my kids to do (especially if I’m not there to provide the necessary supervision!)

#4: Effective discipline is about providing the right guidance

When you guide your kids, always be direct. Give reasons and explanations for rules (keep it simplefor young children).

And always, make sure directions and requests state what to do opposed to what not to do.

For instance, in my classroom, I focus on reminding children to “walk their feet” and explaining how walking keeps them from getting hurt, instead of just saying “don’t run”. It will help to drive the notion home if you retell a story of when your child was running and got hurt.

I even speak to my teenager in a similar way. For example “It’s late and you have practice in the morning. You should get to bed in 15 minutes so you won’t be too tired. Last weekend you were late because you overslept.”  Sometimes he does go up on his own. Sometimes 15 minutes pass and I need to jog his memory again. But he hardly ever gives me a hard time.

#5: Prevention is the most effective form of discipline

This kind of “discipline” in my opinion is what will preserve your sanity.  Why would I tell my baby to stay off the stairs a million times a day when I can install a safety gate? Or make extra work for myself lifting children to the sink every time they need to wash their hands, whereas placing a stool at the sink will allow them to access the soap, water and paper towels themselves.

Prevention not only is a great form of discipline but also supports self-help skills and builds self-esteem.

An important aspect of  prevention is planning. Don’t go grocery shopping with your toddler during a time he normally rests. Do not abruptly interrupt play (or other activity) and expect your child to cooperatively and quickly get ready to leave so you can try to be on time for your appointment that’s in 20 minutes, on the other side of town.

Also, be proactive. If there are specific shows or channels you don’t want your child watching set parental codes on your TV. The same can be done on computers and mobile devices.

Being proactive prevents most arguments and negotiating, allowing you to spend more quality time with your child, instead of putting out fires all day long.

Here are a few more tips to embrace the prevention attitude:

  • Avoid speaking to your child from across the room or the playground – it’s easy for them to not hear you or ignore you, and that can result in unnecessary issues.
  • Give children as much notice as possible when changing activities, leaving the house and a change in the schedule. At school, five minutes before I need children to start cleaning up to transition to the next activity, I tell them “In five minutes we’ll start cleaning up so we can do music time”. Similarly at home before heading out to pick up my older kids from school, I tell my younger ones “In five minutes you need to put away the crayons and we’re going to get sister and brother.”
  • Young children are concrete, literal thinkers and the concept of time is way too abstract for them to grasp. Try setting a timer or pointing to where the minute hand on the clock will be at clean- up time. Alternatively you can completely avoid time and use a different format that they can grasp — for instance, if you were leaving the park you might say, “Two more times down the slide and then we are leaving”

And sometimes, you just need to walk away and let another adult handle the situation to prevent it from escalating.

I will never forget my first experience with a child who had a behavioral disorder. He wasn’t able to lie down on a cot and rest. He spent rest time at a table usually working on jigsaw puzzles (he was a puzzle machine!) and helping with tasks such as sorting toys and games.

However…… rest time is also used to give staff breaks and when teachers do most of their planning. This child would constantly interrupt me while talking with parents or other staff. He begged and pleaded for my undivided attention and company.  It began to disturb the rest of the other children and he would call to them to leave their cots and come play with him.

Eventually the other teachers and I decided that I should take my break at the beginning of rest time while the other teachers helped the children who wanted to rest go down. (This was hard for me because rest time is my favorite time to get in one-on-one interactions). Then when I returned (provided he had been behaving while I was gone) I would spend about 20-30 minutes with him working on a puzzle or playing a quiet game of Uno.

As a parent, you  need to seek out a similar support system, so you can periodically step away from a situation and let another responsible adult (the other parent, grand parent, nanny, baby sitter etc.) take over.

#6: When all else fails, use Time-ins

“Time-ins” are helpful for children school aged and younger. Time-ins are similar to a “time out” in the sense they both remove the child from a situation that causing them distress or harm. The difference however is huge. Instead of sitting students down at an empty table alone feeling bad about himself I created several spaces in my classroom where child could go to or be brought to when feelings become so overwhelming they interfere with the problem solving process.

These areas were private, cozy spaces in the nooks and crannies of my classroom that included soft, over-sized pillows, a class photo album, a small selection of books and quiet objects such as sensory or calming jars, Magana-doodle-esque boards and boxes sorted by themes of quiet, calming activities like magna-tiles or puppets.

Same as a time-out, a time-in should only last one minute per year of life (unless the child chooses to stay longer).

When the time is up I ask the child if he knows why he had to be separated from the group, then I help him think of better ways he could have solved the problem instead.

At home I have a similar space in my living room and in the two younger children’s bedroom because they share.

The above methods and examples meet a child’s/children’s basic needs, provide opportunities for learning and development and improve competence and confidence.

Negative reinforcement, such as spanking or time-out only seem to work at first because of shock value and over time it becomes less effective.

So there you have it – classroom discipline secrets that are as effective at home.

As you try them out, keep in mind that behavior doesn’t change overnight. Teachers like me work with scores of children on a daily basis. And still, discipline is something that takes us years of studying, practicing and reflecting to get a handle on.

As parents, it can be a lot more difficult. Give yourself a lot of grace. Get support; allow your partner, family and friends to pitch in and always remember to take time out to recharge your batteries.

Posted in Parenting

The Emotions Bowl – begin teaching kids emotional regulation

Posted on by Tim Connolly

My brother was seeking a way to stay close to his kids during a very tumultuous time in his life and he asked the advice of a family counselor.

She suggested the emotions bowl.

Since then he and I both have added this ritual into our days. It is a simple way to increase connection and emotional regulation with your kids.

Family emotional health starts with being able to talk about our emotions. And we can’t do that without having a wide ranging awareness of what these emotions are and how they come up in big and small ways during our days. Along with awareness, we need to know it is safe to express these emotions in our family. The emotions bowl gives you a tool to open up conversation about emotions.

The premise: you write down the 8 core emotions on slips of paper. Each person takes a turn a pulling a slip out and talking about when they had that emotion. Other family members listen without judging, trying to solve, or commenting. Just listening, providing a safe place to talk.

Here’s how to use the emotions bowl to begin to increase emotional fluency in your family:

The emotions bowl has  Plutchik’s eight core emotions on slips of paper.

List of emotions we use in our emotions bowl:

  • Anger
  • Anticipation
  • Joy
  • Trust
  • Fear
  • Surprise
  • Sadness
  • Disgust

We just use a little wooden bowl to hold the emotions. In my (Alissa’s) family we actually went to the craft store and bought little wooden disks we could paint and write the emotions on. Obviously just slips of paper work fine! We just made the disks because it seemed fun.

Each person takes turns pulling out an emotion then talking about when they had that emotion during the day.

For the listeners – the point of this exercise is to make a safe space to talk about emotions, so the listener’s only response is to listen to the person talking about when that emotion came up. It’s important to note that the listeners just validate the speaker’s experience. They don’t need to agree that they would have felt the same thing. Our usual reaction is simply nodding and, maybe a simple repeating back to make sure I understood. Very young children may need a little help, but very quickly they will be able to come up with their own emotional events.

The important things is that you just listen as the person talking tells about their emotion – no trying to come up with solutions or fix their emotions. This is not a problem solving  time, it is a listening time. Emotions come and go, they don’t always need to be acted on.

Also, many time  the emotions bowl doesn’t bring up some deep emotional conversation and that’s completely fine! We feel a variety of emotions in a variety of depths. This exercise helps us become get mindful about internal experiences, and gives us a chance to practice expressing what we feel.

For instance a recent interaction in our family went something like this:

Kid – (draws ‘sadness’ out of the bowl)

Me – Ok, when did you feel sadness today?

Kid – Sadness is a hard one. I don’t feel it much.

Me – It doesn’t have to be a big sadness, it can be little too. (Then I’m quiet to see if she talks more, leaving the space open for her to think of a sadness. A little open ended encouragement is ok, but mainly being silent and waiting is important. Many times kids just need time to think, even if they at first say they can’t think of anything.)

Kid – Oh, I was sad when I opened the pencil sharpener.

Me – Oh? You were sad when you opened the pencil sharpener?

Kid – Yeah! The pencil shavings spilled all over! I was sad about the mess!

Me – (Noticing that indeed she still has some shavings on her shirt and chair…) Ah, you opened the pencil sharpener and the shavings fell out all over you and the floor. You felt sad about that?

Kid – Yeah. It made a mess.

Ok – I admit that in this moment, inside I thought, “But is that really sadness?” I had an urge to tell her how she felt, but I didn’t. The point of the emotions bowl is to grow emotional awareness. She’ll have plenty of times to hear more and think more about sadness. Hearing her emotions and listening is validating of her experience and it teaches her to trust herself.

Using the emotions bowl in this non judgmental way shows your kids that all emotions are something that can be talked about in your family, not just the happy ones. It gives vocabulary around the variety of emotions they feel and it helps them have awareness and curiosity about their emotions.

My brother says, “One of the fun things that we like about it is that the first question used to always be, ‘What if I don’t feel that?’ and I would say, ‘Well I bet if you think really hard you’ll think of some time you felt that.’ and then it becomes a game to think of a time. We’ve never pulled an emotion out where the person couldn’t think of some time during the day where they felt that and sometimes it’s something funny like, ‘I felt disgust when I saw that sandwich this morning or whatever.’ but it’s like we can play with the emotions.”

The other nice thing about little routines like the emotions bowl is that they require no set up (beyond the first time once you’ve gotten the emotions written out). Then you have a way to be with your kids in a meaningful way and it only takes a few minutes.

“The Emotion Bowl I started doing at a time when there was no routine in my life. You know we’d just moved into an apartment, there was no table, it was a mess. So I didn’t feel like there were any of these anchoring points in my day, and that little bowl with the emotions in it just became this really easy go-to tradition or anchoring point that we all knew what was going to happen.

And it struck me that it really doesn’t have to be that complicated. I don’t have to have a table set and have a big dinner made with it. We could be eating take-out food sitting on the couch, but we had that little tradition that made a point of connection and gave all of us to the feeling of family. Like, here we are doing this thing together and it only takes 5 minutes, but is actually connecting us.”

 

Posted in Kids

How Much Does Your Kid Weigh? Chances Are, You’re Underestimating

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Parents and doctors often overlook how overweight kids are, which could leave youngsters at increased risk for health problems linked to excess weight, British researchers say.

They reviewed 87 studies that included nearly 25,000 children, age 19 and younger, and their parents.

The researchers found that 55% of parents underestimated how much excess weight their children were carrying, and 34% of kids underestimated their own weight. Even health care providers sometimes missed the mark.

Parents of younger kids were less likely to recognize a weight problem, and were less accurate at gauging boys’ weight than girls’.

Overweight parents and those with less education were more likely to underestimate their child’s weight problem.

In some of the studies reviewed, parents often described their children as big-boned, thick or solid, and they demonstrated a strong desire to avoid labeling their child obese.

The research review is to be presented Saturday at the European Congress on Obesity (ECO) in Glasgow, Scotland. Studies presented at meetings are typically considered preliminary until published in a peer-reviewed journal.

This research dovetails with a 10-fold increase over four decades in the number of obese children and teens worldwide — from 5 million girls in 1975 to 50 million in 2016, and from 6 million to 74 million boys.

“Despite attempts to raise public awareness of the obesity problem, our findings indicate that underestimation of child higher weight status is very common,” study leader Abrar Alshahrani said in a meeting news release. Alshahrani is a doctoral candidate in nutritional science at the University of Nottingham in England.

The researchers called the disconnect troubling, because the first step in addressing a weight problem is a mutual recognition by families and health care providers that a problem exists.

“Our study also found a tendency for health professionals to underestimate weight, which suggests that overweight children may not be offered the support they need to ensure good health,” Alshahrani said.

Identifying weight problems in childhood and the teen years can have a lifetime health impact, the authors noted.

“Addressing the factors which lead to inaccuracy in assessing child weight will have a positive impact on communication between children, parents, and health professionals, and aid the mutual recognition of children’s higher weight status,” Alshahrani said.

Posted in Kids

How to give your child a rich life — without spoiling or raising entitled kids

Posted on by Tim Connolly

“Our offspring have simply leveraged our good intentions and over-investment…They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.” -Sally Koslow

“I think I want my daughter to have some sense of entitlement… We were raised that we don’t deserve anything, including respect…. This happens every generation, the same spoiled children story….I’m sure the first generation of kids to wear shoes or go to school were also considered spoiled and entitled. I say we break the cycle of calling the younger generation names.” – Kara

Nobody wants to raise a child who thinks the world owes him, who feels like he’s entitled to take whatever he wants. We all want to raise kids who know how to work hard to create what they want in the world. But Kara (who made the comment above) is right. We also DO want to raise a child who feels worthy, deserving of the blessings of abundance—spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical—and the rich life that should be the birthright of every child.

So what are the secrets to raise a child who feels worthy – but not “entitled”?

In this video with Avital of the Parenting Junkie, she pretends to be a five year old who wants more trucks, and I pretend to be the mom. We go into detail about how to talk with kids about money and things they want, in a way that empowers rather than shames.

And here are twelve tips to raise a child who feels deserving and empowered — but not entitled!

1. Don’t feed your child’s emotional hunger with possessions.

Material cravings are so often just a way for us to channel deep needs that aren’t being met, such as the need all humans share to be truly seen, accepted,cherished. Often when we feel guilty that we aren’t spending enough time with our kids, we buy them things. When your child gets demanding, that’s a red flag to stop, drop your busy-ness, and get clear about your priorities. What can you do with your child today to simply enjoy her? How can you set up rituals in your week to spend more time connecting? As the old saying goes, children thrive when you give them half as many presents and twice as much of your presence.

2. Instead of shaming, empower kids to create their own abundance.

Too often, out of our own anxiety about money, we shame children when they “want” material things, which teaches children they’re unworthy. But the opposite response of giving kids everything they ask for also teaches the wrong lessons. There’s a better way—we can empower our children.

Consider these three approaches to your child in the toy store when you’re buying a present for his cousin’s birthday.

“Don’t even start asking…you know better than that! Don’t you ever get enough? Do you think money grows on trees? You don’t even take care of the things you have!”

This approach teaches your child that he doesn’t deserve (of course he’s deserving), that he’s greedy for wanting things (all of us want things, all the time), that he is powerless to get what he wants in life (which makes him feel resentful and deprived; all those riches lined up on the shelves are for other people but not for him). 

The result? A child who feels deprived grows into an adult who looks out for number one, and thinks he deserves more of what he suspects everyone else is getting. That looks a lot like entitlement.

What about this approach?

“I hear you, I hear you—you really want it!… How much is it?….Well…..I guess so… Do you promise you’ll be a good girl all week and really listen?”

This is bribing your child to cooperate, which always digs you into a hole. But what’s worse is that if we just hand our kids everything they want on a material level, it creates the expectation that they’ll be handed whatever they want in life, especially if they make a fuss, and promises they can’t necessarily keep. She’ll feel great for the moment, since our brains give us a hit of dopamine every time we chase, conquer, acquire. But that purchase will quickly lose its luster and she’ll be craving the next thing. That addicts her to purchasing things (or manipulating others to purchase things for her) as a way to feel good, and it gets her into the habit of acquiring more, more, more without feeling gratitude for what she has, both material and non-material.

This child feels empowered. If she really wants this item, she can get it, eventually. She’s learned that anything she wants is possible, with enough hard work.

3. Empower your child by giving him the chance to learn the value of hard work.

Remember the days when kids did odd jobs all summer to earn money for a bike? Those kids knew the worth of a nickel, took care of their bikes, and felt enormously empowered. They knew they could realize their dreams by working hard. I’m not saying you can’t buy a new bike just because your child outgrew his old one, but all children need to learn that if they work hard at things, they can make their dreams come true. They learn more from earning than from just being handed things. And the pursuit of a goal is rewarding in itself.

4. Help your child learn how to hold a job.

Earning money at home is one thing, but there’s nothing as educational as working for someone outside the family for pay, which teaches real responsibility in the real world. Start when your eight year old wants something badly and her birthday’s still far off, by paying her to do tasks you wouldn’t normally expect of her (washing the car, weeding the garden). But over time, be sure this expands to odd jobs in the neighborhood (such as offering snow shoveling around the neighborhood in the winter), then to mother’s helper/babysitting jobs when it’s age appropriate, and finally to after-school or summer jobs. Even if your family never needs your teenager to work for the income, every teen should learn by experience what it takes to earn a dollar.

5. Teach that every job worth doing is worth doing well…

and every job has value and dignity. Thank the crossing guard, school bus driver, supermarket cashier, receptionist. Emphasize that when people do a good job, they’re contributing to the benefit of all. In your home, thank each other for different kinds of contributions and comment on why you appreciate them. 

6. Role-model gratitude and values.

Children won’t always do what you say, but they’ll always, eventually, do what you do. If you shop for relaxation or fun, so will your child. If you “must have” the latest tech toy, your child will follow in your footsteps. If you “give back” your child will see sharing with others as a regular part of life. If you express gratitude for everything you have, so will your child.

7. Help your child learn to be accountable for damaged goods.

If kids help pay from their own savings for lost library books and cell phones, windows broken by their baseball or a jacket they lose, they learn a valuable lesson about valuing what they have, rather than assuming someone else will simply “buy another.” Of course, you stay clear about priorities — your child is always more important than that thing he broke, you might help him with the money, and you never have to be mean about it. But you expect your child to step up and take responsibility to help make things right.

8. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought.

As parents, we need to remember that we aren’t the only ones teaching our children about life. TV is a very effective teacher, and if it has your child’s ear, it has a direct line to her brain. Studies show that most adults say they’re not affected by TV ads, but in fact those ads influence them deeply. Imagine how much more true that is for children, who get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell our children will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly, and when possible keep them from reaching our kids.

9. Help your child wire his brain for a different kind of reward.

Recognize that buying is an addiction, given that dopamine is released when we get what we pursue. It isn’t wanting that gets us into trouble, it’s WHAT we want and pursue. Material things don’t satisfy our hunting urge for more than a day or so before we crave more. So notice what you pursue, and help your child discover the emotional rewards of other kinds of chases besides shopping and acquisition. No, he can’t hunt a mastodon, but how about the pursuit of mastery, with something he’s passionate about? A child who loves playing basketball, cooking, writing, music—any passion—practices it, builds resilience, and along the way wires his brain to find fulfillment in a different kind of chase. This is the kind of reward that lasts.

10. Give back as a family.

Children need a context to appreciate what they have, which means they need to see that while they may not have everything they want, they have more than enough. When they see that others have less, children usually feel moved to share, and become more appreciative of what they have and less focused on getting more. Give your child the opportunity to discover how good it feels to help others.  What can kids do? Bake pies to donate. Sort food at a food bank. Help you deliver Meals on Wheels. Organize a book drive and ship the books off to Reader to Reader. Sponsor a not-so-lucky child, so your child gets a birds-eye-view of what life is like for children who might not have his or her blessings. You’ll find lots more suggestions online.

11. Educate yourself.

You aren’t raising your child in a vacuum. Our culture is centered around consumption — accumulating more and more stuff. You and your kids are surrounded by messages that buying stuff will make your life better, and it’s so hard not to respond to that drumbeat. I highly recommend the short video The Story of Stuff which will make you laugh, change the way you look at things, and maybe change the way your family lives.

12. Live the values you want to pass on to your child.

What matters most to you? The people you love? Doing good in the world? Following your passions and contributing them to the world? I’m betting you didn’t say “Stuff.” Kids need to hear explicitly, and to see you demonstrate, what matters most, so they learn that life holds huge abundance beyond achievement and accumulating material possessions. ***

Notice a thread here? If kids today feel entitled, it’s not because they’re “bad.” It’s because we’re raising them in a culture of entitlement, one that values acquiring stuff over developing our unique gifts to contribute to the world, and even over being a good human being. It’s because when they want connection and validation, we give them stuff. To help kids change, we have to examine our own lives and assumptions.

The good news is that these practices do work to raise kids who aren’t “entitled.” What’s more, they make your life better. Because when we take the emphasis off stuff, we shift it to where it belongs: Connecting and contributing, which create lasting, rather than momentary, happiness. 

Posted in Kids

6 Reasons Kids Don’t Help Around the House — and What You Can Do About It

Posted on by Tim Connolly

“My little guy does not like it when I cook or do laundry or do the dishes. Why am I not paying attention to him? But I soon realized that he loves to help. He puts clothes in the washing machine, gathers potatoes to bring to the kitchen, brings me clothes hangers. And yes, it takes much longer than if I had done it all myself. But he actually squeals with delight at being given his next task. And I end up being much less frustrated.” —Wendy

Most parents wish their kids would help more around the house. That would be a good thing, right?

The answer is yes, and not just because it makes our lives as parents easier. (The truth is, it would probably be easier to do it ourselves!) Research shows that kids who have household responsibilities are more likely to step up and help others outside the home. My theory is that these kids are accustomed to helping, and they see their contributions as valuable. Responsibility at home really does make kids better citizens.

So why don’t kids help more, and what can you do about it in your own home?

1. Because kids hate chores.

It’s a reasonable attitude, given that most adults find housework boring and menial. After all, kids have so many other, more interesting, demands on their time. And they really can’t see why it matters if the floor gets swept.

Solution:

Make it about fun and mastery. Remember that if you make the experience of contributing to the family feel like a chore, your child will avoid his chores like the plague. Instead, think of this as a chance for your child to enjoy getting good at something. Look at how she made the kitchen table shine! How’d he get so fast at pairing up socks? Over time, they’ll come to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done, and even to take pride in being a capable cook or gardener.

Make it about connection and appreciation. Recognize that your child doesn’t see much intrinsic value in household work, unless she’s doing it with you. Instead of sending her off to work by herself, see the work as an opportunity to bond with her. Play his favorite music and sing along. Find the joy in working together, and inspire your child with it.

Remember that anyone will resist less if they have choices about which chores to do. And it doesn’t hurt to have a little motivation waiting after the family clean-up on Saturday mornings, like a trip to the park.

2. Because it’s easier to do it ourselves.

When children are young enough to be interested in helping with housework, we shoo them away. By the time they could be helpful, it takes so much time to teach them that it’s still easier to do it ourselves. Besides, by then, they’re absorbed in other, more exciting pursuits, and the battle to get them to “help” feels too frustrating.

Solution:

Change your attitude about why kids are doing chores. It isn’t to save you time, at least not initially. It’s to learn life skills, and to experience how good it feels to contribute. Expect to spend time teaching and supervising.

The younger kids are when they begin doing household tasks, the better. Toddlers (like Wendy’s in the quote above) usually love helping. Consciously involve your child in what you’re doing from an early age, even though it takes much more time. Make it fun for them. Set expectations like:

  • “Everyone works together at our house”
  • “We always clean up our own messes…come on, I’ll help you…”

That will help your children begin to see themselves as contributing something of value. That’s a basic human need, and children enjoy that feeling as much as adults do.  

If your kids are older, do you still need to work with them? Yes, if you want them to enjoy chores and learn how to do them well! Rather than assigning chores, try working as a team. Have each child participate in a project while you work with them. Your job is solely to be the coordinator, troubleshoot any problems that come up, and keep things fun and on track. For instance, maybe your 12 year old makes eggs for breakfast while your ten year old makes the toast. Yes, that is actually realistic, but you’ll need to be there as the assistant to help everything go smoothly. There’s no reason your children can’t enjoy making meals for the family by the time they’re teens, so that everyone in the family cooks once a week — but it takes your involvement over time to get to that point.

3. Because kids “need” us to help them.

Kids do need babying from time to time. It reassures them that we’re there to protect and nurture them. Besides, they have to work hard to keep it together at school all day, and they need plenty of opportunities at home to relax their executive selves and let their baby-selves come out. If they don’t get those opportunities, you can be sure the baby-self will surface as soon as you ask your child to help out, or even to put on his own shoes.

Solution:

Don’t be afraid to “baby” your child when he asks you for help, and make sure he gets plenty of other opportunities to be silly and “off duty” including spending special time together. Then, once you’re sure that he’s getting his need to feel “cared for” met, when he asks for help with a task you know he can do, stay with him offering encouragement but let him handle it. If you keep your sense of humor along with your expectation that your child actually can make his own peanut butter sandwich, he’ll be astonished to find that he really can do it himself, and his confidence to try new tasks will grow.

4. Because kids don’t have time.

Our culture’s way of training young people to participate in society is school. They spend hours in class, and then more hours doing homework. If they participate in sports, music, or other activities, they’re required to spend a tremendous amount of time practicing. By the time they’re in middle school, they often have no time to play. By the time they’re in high school, they often have no time to sleep!

Solution:

During the school year, give your child responsibilities that can be handled in an hour on the weekend. Then, as summer begins, have a discussion about responsibility and work out a schedule that asks more of your child. Take the opportunity while school’s not in session to teach life skills and have your child make a real contribution to the household.

5. Because kids don’t complete tasks thoroughly.

You can’t really expect your child to do a job as well as you would. You probably weren’t so thorough at his age, either.

Solution:

Teach. When you teach your child the task, be sure to break it down into smaller steps and help your child master each one. Take photos of them doing it, even once your child can read, and make a small poster with each step.

Cede control: Once your child takes responsibility for a task, try to minimize your control over that task. If he knows you’re going to do it over, why should he bother trying?

Focus on the positive, so your child WANTS to do an even better job. Think about how you respond if someone criticizes the way you do a task at work, compared to when they find the positive in what you’ve done. So if your son’s dresser drawers are a shambles, at least appreciate that he’s putting away his own clothes. If your daughter takes forever to finish the dishes because she chats on the phone the whole time, consider that it’s really up to her how she makes the job palatable. And if there are streaks in the bathroom mirror, use them as a reminder that you didn’t have to clean the bathroom this week!

6. Because kids “forget” their responsibilities or complain bitterly, and we give up.

Kids have a lot on their minds, from the upcoming soccer game to whether their sister got a bigger piece of pie. You can expect to have to remind kids of their responsibilities. And you can expect them to complain a bit.

Solution:

Don’t give up, and don’t get exasperated. Chores will never be first on your child’s list, and that’s okay. Keep your sense of humor. Then, when your child complains about helping around the house, or needs reminding, empathize and restate your expectation:

“I know, wouldn’t it be great if the dishes washed themselves?…Come on, let’s go…”

Post a written routine that includes the responsibilities that everyone has signed up for, and then be consistent and cheerful about your expectations. That’s the only way to create a habit, and what you want is a habit so your child does it automatically. After all, they don’t have a lot of incentive to put their plates in the dishwasher, so the only reason to do it in the beginning is that you’ll be in their face (in a nice way) reminding them until they do it. After awhile, it will simply be a habit — this is what we do after a meal — and most of the time you won’t have to remind them.

Remember that reminding doesn’t mean nagging. Which category your reminders fall into might depend on your tone of voice. Experiment with being silly and even ridiculous when you have to remind your child about a task, until everyone is laughing. The anxiety will disappear, and any power struggle will disappear. In fact, your disappointment about having to remind your kids will disappear.

By contrast, if we think they should do it without reminders, we get irritable and the whole interaction is fraught with tension. Not surprisingly, they’re more likely to shy away from even thinking about that chore, which is loaded with a layer of unpleasant associations.

Yes, it will take more effort to get your child to put his own clothes in the hamper than to do it yourself. But the repeated effort is worth it, because over time those tasks will become a habit, like brushing his teeth. Kids really do rise to meet our expectations, as long as we stay connected so they want to please us. And one day he WILL serve you a meal he’s made, and you’ll realize you’ve raised a young person who can take care of himself and others, who makes a real contribution. Congratulations!

Posted in Kids

When you make mistakes with your child

Posted on by Tim Connolly

“Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan… but during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act on the plane… 90% of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed flight path… During the flight, the pilots make constant adjustments to get back on track. The flight of that airplane is the perfect metaphor for family life… It doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The hope lies in the vision and in the plan and in the courage to keep coming back on course, time and time again.”
–Stephen Covey

You may have noticed that you aren’t perfect. That sometimes you aren’t the parent or the person you want to be. Sometimes you blow it. We all do. Welcome to humanity.

The bad news is that even if we’re committed to being the best parent, and best person, we can be, we will never be perfect. Life happens. We get off track. We get disconnected — from our child, our partner, our own deepest guidance. We see the other person as making our life more difficult, rather than realizing that they’re having a hard time. We feel hurt, we feel frustrated, we feel trapped. We lash out.

There’s no way to stay constantly on a path of harmony, without occasional wrong turns. In fact, all relationships are a constant series of connections and disconnections, missteps and course corrections.

The good news, though, is that the more quickly we notice those actions that are taking us in the wrong direction, the easier it is to course correct.  

The even better news is that our sincere course corrections actually strengthen our relationships.

  • Every time you re-connect with your child after a disconnection, you teach trust.
  • Every time you choose love over anger, you role-model anger management.
  • Every time you let go of hurt and reach for understanding, you model compassion.
  • Every time you reach across a divide between you and a loved one, you testify to the boundlessness of your love, your commitment that “There ain’t no river wide enough” to keep your love from getting through.

So when you find yourself off track, don’t be afraid to pause, re-group, apologize to your child, and find a way to repair. You’re teaching one of the most essential lessons: That we all make mistakes, that we can all recover, that relationships are resilient and each of us has the power to repair them.

Worried that if you apologize every time you raise your voice, your child will begin to mistrust your apologies? The solution is to tune in BEFORE things get out of hand, so you can course correct before things go too far off track. Every time you do that, you’re re-wiring your brain, so you can manage yourself better. So you won’t have so many opportunities to apologize!

Here are three best practices for faster course correction.

1. Notice your own reactions.

Like an airplane, you’re actually equipped to notice when you get off-course. When you feel bad, that’s your beeping red light on the dashboard. Your own upset feelings are a signal to you to change course.

You may have thought those feelings were a signal that something outside of you needed changing, like your child. And yes, your internal alarm system is indeed designed to show you when something isn’t working for you. But the message is always for you to begin by getting centered, so you can make a wise decision about the best way to intervene. (Hint: You’re always modeling for your child, which means you want your interventions to include compassion and connection, even when you’re setting limits.)

So when you veer into dangerous territory, just stop. Breathe deeply at least three times. Resist taking action until you calm yourself. Use a mantra that helps you, such as:

  • It’s not an emergency.
  • He’s acting like a child because he is a child.
  • Choose love!

2. Remind yourself of your target destination.

For instance, at this moment maybe you’re tired and frustrated, but your end goals are to stay positively connected to your child and to model emotional regulation, because that helps your child to self-regulate — right now, and for the rest of her life.

What’s your vision of your relationship with your child? Warm, close, your child being open to your guidance? Let all your steps take you toward that vision.

Ask yourself: If I were my child, what would I need right now?

3. Reconnect with your child.

Sure, you want to teach him a lesson. But he can’t learn while he’s in fight, flight or freeze. He needs to reconnect with you to feel safe. Once you reconnect with compassion, and everyone’s settled down, he’ll be open to your guidance again.

Feeling too angry to reconnect? Give yourself whatever support you need to get back on track. You’re the grown-up, so you have to be the one to step up and heal the disconnects. 

These three steps won’t keep you from getting off course, but they will help you get back on track faster. So when you find yourself off course, don’t worry about having been on the wrong path. Just start wherever you are, and course correct.  Love will get you home. You can help your children to learn different things from the children’s books about economics and they can learn about financial freedom and life lessons.