Posted in Parenting

The Benefits of Positive Parenting

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Do you feel “lifted up” and more positive after your exchange with this person?

Positivity is a state of mind. It is being mindful of the importance of having a positive attitude about life, despite challenges that come our way. Reflecting on what is good in our lives assists us in maintaining a positive attitude. The day to day responsibilities of being a parent can put us in a “doing” mode rather than a “being” mode. As a result, it can be challenging for parents to maintain a positive mindset. It is valuable for parents to take active steps to cultivate positivity for themselves and their families.

Having a positive outlook doesn’t mean you never feel negative emotions, such as sadness or anger, says Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson, a psychologist and expert on emotional wellness at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. “All emotions—whether positive or negative—are adaptive in the right circumstances. The key seems to be finding a balance between the two,” she says.

“Positive emotions expand our awareness and open us up to new ideas, so we can grow and add to our toolkit for survival,” Fredrickson explains. “But people need negative emotions to move through difficult situations and respond to them appropriately in the short term. Negative emotions can get us into trouble, though, if they’re based on too much rumination about the past or excessive worry about the future, and they’re not really related to what’s happening in the here and now.”

How parents can cultivate positivity for themselves & their families

• Communication and building a meaningful relationship with your child, partner, and key people in your life is a valuable first step to creating positivity in your life. It is important to be aware of your tone of voice, body language, and attitude when you are speaking with them. Simply be present and listen.

• Focus on the interaction in the moment instead of being preoccupied with responsibilities on the to-do list or the comment you want to make. By staying present with your family, you are not only creating more positivity, but you are building a deeper connection with them. This in turn will model meaningful communication and connections for your children.

• It is important that parents nurture themselves. It is essential for parents to nurture their mind and body on a daily basis as it will cultivate positivity in their lives. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Think about a concern or situation with a new perspective, take time to eat well, exercise, practice meditation and yoga, connect with others, and engage in activities that bring you joy.

• Take time out of your schedule on a regular basis to go on a family walk. Spending time together to explore nature or a new place is a wonderful way to deepen relationships and cultivate a positive lifestyle for your family.

• Engage in community causes and volunteer for organizations that are meaningful to you. Encourage your family to get involved, too!

• Another way parents can create more positivity in their lives is to monitor their self talk. It is helpful for parents to ask themselves these questions: Are my self-statements promoting positivity in my life or inhibiting it in some way? How does it impact my relationships?

• Practice replacing negative self talk with positive self statements and gratitude for the good in your life are essential. When parents are mindful of a positive attitude it becomes infectious at home. This is a great teachable moment for your child and you are creating a positive home environment.

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Posted in Discipline in kids

The better way to discipline children

Posted on by Tim Connolly

It may be the toughest part of parenting: learning how to discipline children.

As all parents know, or figure out, raising children isn’t just about feeding, changing diapers, sleepless nights, hemorrhaging bank accounts, or general chaos. It’s about raising them to be safe, kind, respectful, and productive human beings.

The word “discipline” literally has its roots in the Latin word disciplinaire, to teach or train. Parents need to teach their children good behavior; it doesn’t just happen. And it is incredibly hard work, especially because when children act badly, it can get on a parent’s last nerve and trigger an angry response, like yelling or spanking.

According to a policy statement (Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children) recently released by the American Academy of Pediatrics, “aversive” discipline techniques like yelling and spanking are a really bad idea. Not only do studies show that they don’t work that well, they can have long-term negative effects.

The problem with aversive discipline:

Children who are spanked have a higher risk of aggressive behavior (which makes some sense, as spanking teaches children that in some circumstances hitting is okay), mental health problems, intimate partner violence, and substance abuse. Although some of this is confounded by the fact that parents with mental health problems are more likely to spank, and having a parent with mental health problems puts kids at risk for all sorts of problems, studies show that corporal punishment like spanking is an independent risk factor for problems down the road.

The same goes for harsh verbal discipline. Just about every parent yells, I think. But when it’s consistently used as discipline, it leads to mental health and behavioral problems for children. Also, as with spanking, it hurts the relationship with the child. Think about it: how does it feel for a child when the person they love and need most in the world hits them or says bad things to and about them?

That doesn’t mean that every child who gets spanked or yelled at has problems for the rest of their lives, as many a well-adjusted, happy adult who was spanked or yelled at as a child will attest. But why take the risk, when there are better ways to discipline.

A better approach to discipline

The better way to approach discipline is in a loving, proactive way. Teach the rules ahead of time, rather than waiting for your child to break them and reacting then — and be as positive and empowering as you can. Here are some tips:

Have realistic expectations. Babies are going to cry, toddlers are going to get into things they shouldn’t, school-age kids sometimes lie to avoid trouble, and teenagers — well, they do all sorts of things as they assert their independence. Not that you have to ignore or condone these behaviors (well, you might have to just deal with a baby crying, that’s not misbehaving), but it’s important to understand the stage your child is going through as you discipline. At each checkup with your pediatrician, talk about what to expect next in your child’s development.

Set clear limits. No should mean no, and there should be house and family rules for kind, safe behavior. Each family will have slightly different rules, but they should be clearly stated and known to everyone. Not only that, but when it comes to rules you need to…

Be consistent. If something isn’t allowed, it’s not allowed. If you give in sometimes out of sheer exhaustion or because you weren’t super committed to that rule, kids will pick up on that immediately. Which means that you need to choose your rules carefully (meaning: pick your battles).

Have predictable and clear consequences for breaking rules. Giving kids a heads-up is helpful (“I am going to count to three, and I need that to stop or we will have a consequence”). The consequence should be something they don’t like — sending them to their room where they play with toys may not do the trick. “Time-out” is one option, where you put the child in a boring place for a minute for each year of age, and don’t interact with them. You can also take toys or privileges away.

Reinforce good behavior. Say things like, “I love it when you…” or “That was so nice that you did that!” or “Because you behaved so well today, let’s read an extra story tonight.” Children like praise, and may be more likely to behave well when they see that it’s worth their while, be mindful of your own needs and reactions.

Parenthood is hard. Sometimes parents need a time-out themselves. If you feel yourself getting really upset, make sure your child is somewhere safe and then take some time to calm down.

It’s normal to struggle with discipline — every parent does, at some point. So ask for help whenever you need it. Your pediatrician can be a resource, as can family, friends, and behavioral health clinicians. It takes a village to raise a child; everybody needs help sometimes.

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Posted in News & Updates

5 facts that help explain America’s child-migrant crisis

Posted on by Tim Connolly

1)  The child-migrant “surge” began in 2011, but hit a crisis point this year:

Border Patrol agents began reporting an increase in the number of unaccompanied children from Central America in the fall of 2011. Because fiscal year 2012 started in October 2011, the government’s official numbers show an increase starting then — but anecdotal reports demonstrate that the surge began early that fiscal year, i.e. in 2011.

2) The current crisis stems from the fact that more children are going from Central America to other countries throughout the region:

In fiscal year 2014, for the first time ever, the majority of unaccompanied children are coming from Central American countries. In fact, fewer children are coming from Mexico than from Guatemala, Honduras, or El Salvador.

Gang violence in Central America, especially in Honduras and El Salvador, is driving a substantial exodus to other countries throughout the region. In particular, teenagers in these countries are being recruited to join gangs; if they refuse, the gang will often retaliate against them and their families.

3) Some of the children who are coming have parents in the US; some of them don’t:

The current influx isn’t just about parents “sending” their children on a life-threatening journey to the US — or about children coming to reunite with their parents who are here as unauthorized immigrants. Some of the children arriving do have parents or relatives here; many do not.

A UN Office of the High Commissioner for Refugees study published this spring found that 36 percent of the unaccompanied immigrant children it interviewed had at least one parent in the United States. (Not all of those children, however, said that reuniting with family was one of the reasons they’d come from their home countries.) So for some of these children, being reunited with family would mean being sent back to their home countries; for others, it would mean staying in the United States.

4) Mexican children can just be turned back at the border — and many want to start turning back Central American children, too:

Not every child who gets apprehended at the border ends up getting taken into government custody.

Mexican children who are apprehended coming into the United States are interviewed by a Border Patrol agent very quickly. If the child persuades the Border Patrol agent that he or she is afraid of being persecuted or trafficked if sent back, then the child is kept in custody. But if the child can’t pass the interview, he or she is immediately “returned” to Mexico.

5) Congress set the rules on dealing with child migrants under the Bush administration:

The Obama administration doesn’t have much leeway in dealing with unaccompanied child migrants. That’s because Congress set a particular process here as a way of fighting human trafficking.

Most of this process was codified by Congress under the Homeland Security Act of 2002; Congress added some additional protections under the Trafficking Victims Protection Re authorization Act, in 2008.

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Posted in Parenting

Tips for Parents–Ideas to Help Children Maintain a Healthy Weight

Posted on by Tim Connolly

You’ve probably read about it in newspapers and seen it on the news: in the United States, the number of children with obesity has continued to rise over the past two decades. You may wonder: Why are doctors and scientists troubled by this trend? And as parents or other concerned adults, you may ask: What steps can we take to prevent obesity in our children? This page provides answers to some of the questions you may have, as well as resources to help you keep your family healthy.

Why Is Childhood Obesity Considered a Health Problem?

  • Children with obesity can be bullied and teased more than their normal weight peers. They are also more likely to suffer from social isolation, depression, and lower self-esteem. The effects of this can last into adulthood.
  • Children with obesity are at higher risk for having other chronic health conditions and diseases, such as asthma, sleep apnea, bone and joint problems, and type 2 diabetes.
  • Type 2 diabetes is increasingly being reported among children who are overweight. Onset of diabetes in children can lead to heart disease and kidney failure.

What Can I Do As a Parent or Guardian to Help Prevent Childhood Overweight and Obesity?

To help your child maintain a healthy weight, balance the calories your child consumes from foods and beverages with the calories your child uses through physical activity and normal growth.

Remember that the goal for children who are overweight is to reduce the rate of weight gain while allowing normal growth and development. Children should NOT be placed on a weight reduction diet without the consultation of a health care provider.

Balancing Calories: Help Kids Develop Healthy Eating Habits

One part of balancing calories is to eat foods that provide adequate nutrition and an appropriate number of calories. You can help children learn to be aware of what they eat by developing healthy eating habits, looking for ways to make favorite dishes healthier, and reducing calorie-rich temptations.

Encourage healthy eating habits.

There’s no great secret to healthy eating. To help your children and family develop healthy eating habits:

  • Provide plenty of vegetables, fruits, and whole-grain products.
  • Include low-fat or non-fat milk or dairy products.
  • Choose lean meats, poultry, fish, lentils, and beans for protein.
  • Serve reasonably-sized portions.
  • Encourage your family to drink lots of water.
  • Limit sugar-sweetened beverages.
  • Limit consumption of sugar and saturated fat.

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Posted in Parenting

Get Ready for Summer! Ideas for Teachers to Share with Families

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Ideas for active summer learning:

1.Offer recommendations for active learning experiences.

Check with your local department of parks and recreation about camps and other activities. Find out what exhibits, events, or concerts are happening in your town over the summer. Create a directory or calendar of local summer learning fun to share with your students and their families. (Be sure to note any costs involved.)

2.Encourage parents to build reading and writing into everyday activities.

Some ideas to pass along: (1) watching TV with the sound off and closed captioning on, (2) reading directions for how to play a new game, or (3) helping with meals by writing up a grocery list, finding things in the grocery store, and reading the recipe aloud for mom or dad during cooking time. 

3.Summer trading cards.

Kids can dive deeper into summer reading by exploring characters with the Trading Cards activity from Read-Write-Think, which provides students with the opportunity to expand their understanding of the reading by creating new story lines and characters. A nifty Trading Card interactive tool provides additional support.

4.Encourage writing.

Give each of your students a stamped, addressed postcard so they can write to you about their summer adventures. Or recycle school notebooks and paper into summer journals or scrapbooks. Another way to engage young writers is to encourage your students to spend some time researching and writing community stories — not only does it build research and writing skills, but helps kids develop a deeper sense of place. Find more good summer writing ideas from Start with a Book: keep a nature journal, create a poetry share a recipe, or keep a scrapbook of reviews of summer adventures.

5.Kids blog!

Arrange for a safe, closed community so that your students can blog over the summer. Edublogs and Kidblog offer teachers and students free blog space and appropriate security. Free, disposable e-mail accounts are available at Mailinator. Students can create an account there, use the address long enough to establish the blog and password, and then abandon it.

6.Be an active citizen.

Kids who participate in community service activities gain not only new skills but self-confidence and self-esteem. Help them zoom into action! This tool from Youth Service America can help you identify youth project ideas. Volunteer Match offers a searchable database of volunteer options for kids.

Citizen Kid is a collection of books that inform children about the world and inspire them to be better global citizens. The U.S. Department of Education published Helping Your Child Become a Responsible Citizen with activities for elementary school kids.

7.Read about your world. 

Newsela builds nonfiction literacy and awareness of world events by providing access to hundreds of fresh news articles (you can filter by grade). Other good sources of quality nonfiction include Time for Kids online and many children’s magazines offered by Cricket Media, National Geographic, and other publishers.

The bloggers on The Uncommon Corps are enthusiastic champions of nonfiction literature for kids and young adults, and offer many ideas for integrating nonfiction into your reading diet. For more book ideas to share with parents, check out the Orbis Pictus Award winners — outstanding nonfiction for children, presented by the National Council of Teachers of English. Share these tip sheets with parents (available in English and Spanish): Getting the Most Out of Nonfiction Reading Time and How to Read Nonfiction Text. And don’t forget to check out our Nonfiction for Kids section.

8.Active bodies.-Active minds.

From the American Library Association, I love libraries has suggestions for staying fit and having fun that start at your local library.

9.Get into geocaching.

Everyone loves a scavenger hunt! Get in on the latest outdoor craze with geocaching, where families search for hidden “caches” or containers using handheld GPS tools (or a GPS app on your smart phone). Try a variation on geocaching called earth caching where you seek out and learn about unique geologic features. Find more details about geocaching plus links to geocaching websites in this article from the School Family website, Geocaching 101: Family Fun for All, in Every Season. Or follow one young family on their geocaching adventure: Beginner’s Guide to Geocaching with Kids.

10.Watch a garden grow

Children are encouraged to write questions and observations in a summer garden journal. Or check out the Kids Gardening website for lots of great ideas and resources for family (and school) gardening. You can also browse the hands-on activities on our summer site, Start with a Book, in the section Nature: Our Green World.

11.Make cool things.

Find loads of hands-on activities at Start with a Book. Just choose from one of 24 topics (art, music, dinosaurs, bugs, detectives, flight, sports, stars, planets and the night sky … and more) and start exploring.

12.Help parents plan ahead for fall.

Work with the teachers a grade level above to develop a short list of what their new students have to look forward to when they return to school. For example, if rising third graders will be studying ancient cultures, suggest that parents check out educational TV, movies, or local museums that can provide valuable background information on that topic.

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Posted in Kids

12 ways to help kids cope with school anxiety

Posted on by Tim Connolly

• Make transitions early. 

“Expose kids early to changes so they can adapt better during transitions,” says Rosenberg. “It’s much easier for children who have been making gradual changes at young ages to go to school. Preschool is a good way to initiate change and gets children used to school. If they are going directly to kindergarten, parents can frequently talk about school and have the kids meet the teacher prior to the first day.”

• Have a discussion. 

“Parents often try to reassure their children, but sometimes these reassurances sound empty,” says Block. “Saying ‘it’s going to be fine’ isn’t going to help a nervous child. When they begin to worry, use it as an opportunity to have more dialogue and find out what is making them anxious. The more information you have the better job you can do to make a child more comfortable with school.”

• Involve children in activities.

 Langford says parents can help reduce school stress by getting their children involved with activities or events prior to school. These activities, such as sports, music lessons or clubs, will help them build confidence and make friends. “It’s much easier to walk into school on the first day with someone by your side then walking in alone,” she says. “It takes some of the pressure off.”

• Stay positive. 

“Parents need to be positive,” says Rosenberg. “Emphasize the positives of school. Let kids know how much fun school will be and all the new friends they will meet. If a child has an older sibling in school, have the sibling talk to the child about recess and all the fun that is had during the school day. If parents express fear or anxiety their children will pick up on this and become afraid and nervous.”

• Get enough sleep. 

Block says parents can help calm their children by encouraging kids to get plenty of sleep and getting them back on a school schedule well before the start of school. “Going back to school is a transition time, and transitions are when we see anxiety in children,” she says. “They are going from unstructured summer time to a very structured school time. Starting to get kids back in the school routine early helps reduce anxiety.”

• Visit the school. 

“Take the kids to visit the school in the summer,” says Langford. “Drive around the parking lot, walk through the halls, test out the lockers. This trip will remove many of the ‘I don’t know what to expect’ fears a student may have.”

• Limit video games. 

Rosenberg says video games should be a reward, not a regular part of life. “If children just sit around and play video games the first five years of life, why would they want to go to school?” he says. “Video games impacts children’s ability to communicate because they are not outside riding bikes with their friends and socializing. Video games also desensitize kids to violence and have a profound impact on school refusal and increased fear.”

• Pack mementos. 

“Put a picture of Mom and Dad in a child’s notebook or pack your kids a note in their lunch boxes,” says Block. “These things help children feel more comfortable at school. Especially for those coping with separation anxiety.”

• Talk to the school guidance counselor.

 Meet with the school guidance counselor, says Langford. This visit will make parents and kids more relaxed about school. “Keep the child’s anxiety in the open with the school guidance counselor,” she says. “It makes the situation easier for the child and the counselor will know to check in on the student more often.”

• Make them go to school. 

If a child does start crying and refusing school, it is important to insist he or she still go, says Rosenberg. “Don’t give in and keep kids home because it is encouraging them to skip school. Remind them they need to go to school so they can make a life for themselves when they are older. Tell kids you love them and want them to be happy adults.”

• Share the game plan. 

Block says it is vital for parents to discuss the daily plans with their children so everyone is informed and knows what to expect. “Let them be aware of everything, including who will be at the bus stop or who will be picking them up at school,” she says. “This is especially important for parents who carpool.”

• Seek help.

If a child’s anxiety is continuing to grow or parents feel they can not help their child resolve fears it is time to meet with the pediatrician, says Rosenberg. A pediatrician can consult with the family and decide if a therapist can help further help the child.

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Posted in Kids

The Crucial Role of Recess in School

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Recess is at the heart of a vigorous debate over the role of schools in promoting the optimal development of the whole child. A growing trend toward reallocating time in school to accentuate the more academic subjects has put this important facet of a child’s school day at risk. Recess serves as a necessary break from the rigors of concentrated, academic challenges in the classroom. But equally important is the fact that safe and well-supervised recess offers cognitive, social, emotional, and physical benefits that may not be fully appreciated when a decision is made to diminish it. Recess is unique from, and a complement to, physical education—not a substitute for it. The American Academy of Pediatrics believes that recess is a crucial and necessary component of a child’s development and, as such, it should not be withheld for punitive or academic reasons.

The Benefits of Recess for the Whole Child

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines recess as “regularly scheduled periods within the elementary school day for unstructured physical activity and play.”The literature examining the global benefits of recess for a child’s cognitive, emotional, physical, and social well-being has recently been reviewed. Yet, recent surveys and studies have indicated a trend toward reducing recess to accommodate additional time for academic subjects in addition to its withdrawal for punitive or behavioral reasons. Furthermore, the period allotted to recess decreases as the child ages and is less abundant among children of lower socioeconomic status and in the urban setting.

Just as physical education and physical fitness have well-recognized benefits for personal and academic performance, recess offers its own, unique benefits. Recess represents an essential, planned respite from rigorous cognitive tasks. It affords a time to rest, play, imagine, think, move, and socialize. After recess, for children or after a corresponding break time for adolescents, students are more attentive and better able to perform cognitively. In addition, recess helps young children to develop social skills that are otherwise not acquired in the more structured classroom environment.

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Posted in Kids

American Kids, Learning to Aim and Fire

Posted on by Tim Connolly

According to Pew Research, different estimates say there are from 270 million to 310 million guns in the United States — almost one firearm for every man, woman and child. Statistics from the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence include these depressing numbers:

On average, 32 Americans are murdered with guns every day and 140 are treated for a gun assault in an emergency room.

Every day on average, 51 people kill themselves with a firearm, and 45 people are shot or killed in an accident with a gun.

American children die by guns 11 times as often as children in other high-income countries.

In 2007, more pre-school-aged children (85) were killed by guns than police officers were killed in the line of duty.

A 9-year-old girl in Arizona fatally shot her instructor while learning to use an Uzi submachine gun at the Bullets and Burgers firing range on Monday. She was on vacation with her family. An 8-year-old shot and killed himself while learning to use an Uzi at a gun show in 2008; in between those fatalities, thousands of children were killed and injured by guns, most not under the controlled conditions of a range.

This summer, three of my four children learned to shoot a .22. I relearned, too. I hadn’t fired a gun in years. To be honest, it was fun; like the many visitors who reviewed Bullets and Burgers on TripAdvisor before this tragedy, we enjoyed having a safe opportunity to do something my children had seen only on television or in video games. We had headgear, clear limits and a known, trusted instructor, and we spent an hour challenging each other to put a bullet hole closest to our target. That paper squirrel won’t be bothering anyone again soon.

Given our country’s record of gun violence, the question is, should it be fun?

No matter how you feel about firearms and gun laws, we live in the country we live in. My neighbors have guns. Your neighbors have guns. Your guns may be locked up; the babysitter’s boyfriend may keep his on the seat of his car. At some point, some child is going to take my child or yours by the hand, open Mom’s closet or the trunk of Dad’s car, and say, “Look!” At that point, I don’t want my children to say, “Wow, let me see that.” I want them to shrug and say, “Whatever” and “Let’s go do something else.” (I actually want them to say: “Suzi, get away from there! That’s dangerous! We have to go tell your mom and mine right now!” But I’m realistic.)

I’ve talked to my children long and hard about guns and gun safety. I’ve made them practice what to say and do. And now I’ve made sure three of them have had a chance to pick up a gun, shoot it and see what they think. (Why three? Because I deemed the fourth not yet ready to follow instructions well enough to do something so dangerous.)

But I didn’t present it as “here, touch this hot stove so you’ll never do it again.” We had a good time on a beautiful day doing something that if, done wrong, could have killed any one of us, and does kill people every day. While the same could be said about other activities, like driving, there’s no denying the unique nature of a sport whose other face is crime and tragedy.

When we talked today about what happened in Arizona, my children were shocked. One said she never wanted to learn to shoot now; one that she never wanted to do it again. The boys wanted assurances that they — and the friend and instructor — had been and would be safe. I gave them that, up to a point. I also gave them a reminder that they were only as safe as they and the people around them were smart and careful, and a renewed talk about how “just because you learned to shoot doesn’t mean you should pick up a gun.”

Would you teach your children to shoot, or take them to a shooting range? Or would you say that guns and entertainment shouldn’t mix?

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Posted in Kids

Why Not Let Children Choose Their Own Names?

Posted on by Tim Connolly

They’re going to anyway online, you know.

When she was pregnant, Satya Twena, a 36-year-old hat maker and fashion designer in Ojai, Calif., was in a yoga class when her daughter’s name came to her in a meditation. The name was Wish.

“Wish named herself because she was already active and alive in my wife,” said Jeffrey Zurofsky, 45, who founded ’Wichcraft with Tom Colicchio before moving to California to work as an adviser and consultant.

To the dismay of Ms. Twena and Mr. Zurofsky, their second child didn’t appear to choose his own name … initially. So he was without a name after being born at home in January. It didn’t take long, though, for the infant to offer his own signs, Mr. Zurofsky said.

The little one opened his eyes when his father placed sage under his nose; the family remembered that the song playing during the birth was all about wisdom and elders; and a post-birth visitor had a 28-year-old son named Sage. So Sage it was.

“If I could, I would let them go their entire lives and they could name themselves, but I feel strongly that their names came from them, so I think we did pretty good,” Mr. Zurofsky said about Wish and Sage. “But if Wish changes her mind and wants to be called Jill or Jim, absolutely. If she wants to be called 8,600, that’s fine, too. They are smarter and wiser than we are on their own behalfs.”

Many parents have begun to follow their children’s lead when it comes to gender and identity. Now some are allowing their children to choose their own name, or to change their name as soon as they have a real preference.

While some children enjoy having the freedom to choose their own name, it may not be the best way to offer them this independence, said Carole Lieberman, a child psychiatrist in Beverly Hills, Calif.

“These parents are rebelling against tradition just for the thrill of it without realizing how much they are harming their kids,” said Dr. Lieberman, who is a parenting expert and the author of “Lions, Tigers and Terrorists, Oh My!” “Children who have a place holder name or no name would feel like they have no identity and would surely suffer psychological problems.”

A better option: They could legally change their name when they’re older and more mature, Dr. Lieberman said.

J. Martin Griffith, 36, who works for a clean energy company in Philadelphia, had the option to choose his own name from birth and beyond, but he still can’t make that big decision.

Mr. Griffith’s mother named him J, which doesn’t officially stand for anything.

“My mother always told me growing up that I could choose a new name,” he said. “I batted around 1,000 names but could never settle on any one name.”

He tried lots of J names and also considered non-J names, but nothing stuck. When he was growing up, some people called him Martin, while a few called him J or “J-the-letter.” Today, the vast majority call him Marty or Martin, as he still hasn’t settled. Mr. Griffith isn’t the biggest fan of letting children choose their names.

“It is hard enough naming someone else, let alone naming yourself, and a name has surprising weight out in the world, I think,” he said.

Still, living with a name that you hate until adulthood is tough, said Embe Guadagno, 29, of Downey, Calif., whose original name was Zierah.

“I had expressed to my mother my entire life that I hated that no one was able to pronounce it,” Ms. Guadagno said. She gave herself the name Embe in high school, and legally changed it when she was 19 or 20.

Today, she has let her 3-year-old daughter, Laila, know that if there’s a name she likes better than her own, she can change it immediately. So far, she has considered her middle name, Jude, along with Daisy.

George Vuckovic, 43, a preschool administrator in River Forest, Ill., also doesn’t see the harm in letting children choose their names. He and his partner, Esther Hunt, a massage therapist, 34, nearly named their daughter Athena but switched to Isabelle in the hospital. A month later, they changed their minds again and renamed her Elena.

Now Elena, who is 8,has tinkered with changing her name back to Athena or to Iris.

“It’s her life, and if she finds meaning in a different name, why not?” Mr. Vuckovic said. “Other than the potential hassles of multiple identity profiles and red flags that could raise.”

Tiffany Towers, a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Beverly Hills, said she understands why parents may be agreeable to allowing their children to choose or change their names so readily.

It can be either an attempt to empower their children or to avoid the pressure of assigning a name to their offspring, Dr. Towers said. Perhaps the parents don’t want to feel responsible for their child being bullied for having a weird or old-fashioned name. Or maybe they believe that their child’s future will be shaped by this initial identity of a name (a name that the child didn’t request), and they fear that their child will resent them or feel oppressed by their name.

But, she said, giving children permission to change or choose a name could be very confusing for the child.

“It would cause them to question not only their own identity, but whether they can trust their parents to make other decisions that affect them,” Dr. Towers said.

This process is not always so consequential, however.

John Duffy, a psychologist and the author of “The Available Parent,” who lives in Chicago, said he noticed a rise in children with “place holder” names. He has worked with children who have been allowed and encouraged to change their names to ones that they feel represent them better.

“I think it is an artifact of parents, very consciously, allowing their kids as much control over their identity as possible,” Dr. Duffy said in an email. “Parents have told me that they feel presumptuous naming their child, not knowing for certain what he or she may want; I think it’s a counterreaction to accusations of overparenting or helicopter parenting.”

From the children’s perspectives, Dr. Duffy said he has noticed that they feel empowered through choosing or changing their name.

Even choosing a middle name is a start.

Daniel Block, 51, a geography professor in Oak Park, Ill., said his parents believed that children should be allowed to choose their middle names. He tried several before settling on his current one.

First, there was Ernie, when he was in his “Sesame Street” stage. Then, when he was 7, he wanted to be Daniel Kennedy because he thought John F. Kennedy was cool. But Kennedy was a little formal, so he soon switched to Kenneth. From ages 11 to 17, Mr. Block went without a middle name.

“Finally, I decided I wanted a middle name to graduate high school with,” Mr. Block said. He was interested in genealogy and history, so he looked at his family tree for inspiration.

“I finally chose Ralston,” Mr. Block said of his middle name, which is also his uncle’s middle name. “I think it’s a pretty conservative name choice for someone who was able to choose their own name, but I think it goes back to liking my uncle and being close to that side of the family and connecting with history.”

Though he said he feels pretty good about his choice today, Mr. Block said he wishes he was the kind of person who would have chosen something a little more unusual.

“But that is not me,” he said.

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Posted in Parenting

Time-Management Tips for Working Parents

Posted on by Tim Connolly

Double duty can ruin your work-life balance. Working parents, tame time pressures with these strategies.

Working parents are generally “over” it: overwhelmed, overburdened and overtired.

When it comes to their careers, they have all the same pressures and obligations as professionals without children. They’ve also got just as many things to juggle personally, from figuring out when to schedule their own medical appointments to making time for exercise.

But on top of all of this, working moms, working dads and other caregivers have a whole additional layer of responsibilities to manage. This includes family fun time with kids, sorting through the minutia of constant school emails and forms and figuring out what goes on hold when one family member after another falls sick with the flu and there’s no obvious child care remedy.

Parents with jobs outside the house or who work remotely from a home office need some fresh ways to approach the limited time they have available and new thinking styles that can ease their stress. Taking small steps toward better time management can help make life feel more manageable day by day.

Just don’t do it.

The best way for working parents to lighten the load and find more time for real needs is to discern which activities can be skipped.

No matter what age your children are, simply being a parent will expose you to a tidal wave of interesting things to do, people to meet and places to go. You’ll be making new friends along with your child, birthday party invitations will proliferate and you’ll encounter seemingly limitless options for family-friendly weekend adventures, especially around the holidays.

Would all of these opportunities be fun? Probably. Do you really have the time, energy and money to do all of them? Probably not. And the fact is, even if you do prioritize every one of these fun opportunities, you’ll likely end up tired and resentful, which will affect your ability to tend to the basics, like making sure your family has clean clothes to wear and nutritious food to eat.

The bottom line is, you can decide to simply not accept every invitation so that you have more time to devote to what’s most essential to you and your kids. Storing up energy may even boost your productivity at the office, too.

Decide what’s nonnegotiable.

Knowing that you’ll need to pick and choose from a range of possible ways to spend your time, it helps to have a framework of personal values to guide your decision-making. If you’re navigating without a map, tempted to detour for each suggested entertainment option or slowed down by guilt about every potential obligation, you’ll quickly find yourself sinking into quicksand.

Developing a list of values can feel like one more to-do item, but this doesn’t have to be complicated. Really, figuring out your values comes down to deciding what in your life is nonnegotiable. What is it that you and your family need to prioritize above everything else? What essentials must be taken care of before you can schedule in diversions? Once you’ve mapped out what’s truly nonnegotiable in your family life, you can use that to guide which requests you accept and which you reject.

Realize each stage is limited.

There’s another “over” that burdens parents: over-identifying with your child’s particular life stage and forgetting that this too shall pass. While it may feel like your baby will never sleep through the night or your toddler will never be fully potty trained, the fact is that these stages and others will end. Soon enough, you’ll have moved on to the next challenge of childhood, eventually dealing with an empty nest and wondering how it all went by so quickly.

This truth doesn’t make it any easier when you’re actually going through the pain of transitions, and this realization won’t make the discomfort pass any more quickly. But having an awareness that everything about kids is ultimately transitory, including childhood itself, can make the big picture more bearable.

When you find yourself feeling discouraged about the difficulty of a particular parenting stage or overwhelmed that you don’t have time to deal with what’s in front of you, figure out what you can do to help you get through the present family moment with less angst and anxiety, knowing it won’t last forever. Whether that means booking a sitter to allow some extra time for self-care, or enlisting your spouse to take over solo for one day of the weekend to help you recharge and feel some spaciousness in your life again, just do it.

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