Posted in Kids

Keep Your Child Safe in Her High Chair

Kids in high chairs should never be left alone. Nor should they be placed there for long periods, safety experts warn.

High chair-related injuries — mainly falls — have risen in recent years, according to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

Most of these injuries occur when a child stands while attempting to get out of the chair. The resulting head, neck, and facial injuries can range from cuts to concussions.

High chairs should be used mainly for mealtimes, said Dr. Nakia Gaines, emergency medicine pediatrician at University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center and Children’s Health.

“Infants and toddlers should not be trusted to sit, especially for long periods of time, when unrestrained,” Gaines said in a medical center news release.

“High chairs are designed to restrain children while they are eating. Even if the chair is used for other purposes — restraint during food preparation or to allow other family members to complete their meal — the child should always be restrained and supervised,” Gaines added.

Gaines offered a number of other safety tips.

High chairs should have safety straps — either a three-point or five-point harness along with a crotch strap. When buckling in a child, make sure the straps are well-attached and snug around the child.

In restaurants, insist that highchairs or booster seats have straps that are in working order.

When setting up a high chair, position it so that it’s away from the table or wall so children can’t kick or push the chair over.

While adults work, consider using a playpen in the kitchen or work area instead of a high chair. That way, playthings can keep children busy and happy.

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Posted in Financial freedom

The 5 Pillars of Money Every Parent Needs To Teach Their Child

In addition to being the husband of an amazing wife and dad to two awesome munchkins, Matt Matheson is a teacher and school administrator with almost 15 years of experience and a passion for teaching kids. Since he had his own kids, he’s been working hard to pass on his money values to them. It’s his love of teaching and desire to help parents raise money rockstars that lead him to develop Family Money School, a course designed to make it easy for busy, overwhelmed and confused parents to teach their kids about money.

As parents wanting to raise money-savvy kids, it can feel like there are literally hundreds of different things you need to teach your kids in order for them to win with money. But with busy lives and hectic schedules, where’s a good-intentioned parent even supposed to start?

Sure, you could look online at money and parenting blogs and government-sponsored sites about financial literacy.

You could pour over endless pages of research on how to best teach kids about money. You could read countless personal finance books and listen to a few dozen podcasts on the topic.

And then, after the hundreds of hours that would take you, you could distill all the information down into the must-haves when it comes to teaching kids about money.

But who has time for all that? Let me help you out and boil everything down to exactly what you need to pass on to your kiddo to help them rock their money.

But before I do, you need to know that I’m a learner. The insights I’m going to share have developed over my years of learning about money and my years of experience in teaching kids (I’m a freelance personal finance writer and blogger who has taught for almost 15 years and is also an elementary school administrator. I also have a Masters of Education).

The information comes from a variety of different places: books, blogs, research, podcasts, etc. and I’ve put into practice what I’ve learned with my own kids (I’ve got a daughter who’s 6 and a son who’s 3).

What I’ve done is combine that financial knowledge with my educational expertise and experience, to come up with the must have’s when it comes to teaching your kid about money.

In order to become a Money Master, your kids need to learn 5 basic concepts, concepts which I refer to as the 5 Pillars of Money. Here they are in no particular order:

1. How to work: Learn to Earn → Kids are smart.

They know there’s no such thing as a money tree (although did you know that there actually is? Unfortunately, it doesn’t sprout hundred dollar bills, just leaves).

But many kids legitimately think that money does just mysteriously appear from ATM’s. Or they think that there’s a limitless supply on those seemingly magical plastic devices called credit cards (it’s black magic as far as I’m concerned).

In all seriousness, kids need to understand where the money comes from. And where might that be? (I know some of you are waiting with bated breath…)WORK!!

Not only do kids need to understand the connection between working and earning, but they also need to learn to work, period.

Research from Dr. Angela Duckworth, a MacArthur Genius award recipient, found that kids who display grit (another term for stick-to-it-ness) not only do better in school but go on to earn higher incomes in the future. And the best part? You can actually TEACH grit.

2. Savvy Spending – Living below their means

We live in a hyper-consumer culture where both adults and kids are bombarded every day with the message that who they are and what they have aren’t enough to bring them true joy and contentment.

In order to be truly fulfilled, we NEED more. This is a dangerous lie and one that everyone, including me and you, has bought into at different times in our lives.

But you don’t want that for your kids. That’s why you need to make it crystal clear for your child what the difference is between needs and wants.

By showing them that they need to spend on their needs first, they’ll not only be in control of their finances, they’ll also be able to fully enjoy buying those wants without worrying about the credit card hangover that haunts most people. 

3. Saving: How to Get What You Really Want

When it comes to saving money, 40% of American adults don’t have the cash to cover a $400 emergency. In addition, 30% of households have less than $1000 tucked away.

But this isn’t how it’s going to be for your child. Your kid’s going to fly in the face of the cultural famine of savings. To do this, you need to emphasize using automation to overcome our terrible impulse control.

Both personal experience and science tell us that human beings generally lack the willpower needed to overcome temptation. To help your kiddo get around this, you need to encourage them to automate as many financial decisions as they can.

You know they need to save money each month, to pay themselves first as the financial experts say, but this can be incredibly difficult for many people. Automation is your kiddo’s ticket to making this happen. 

4. The Gift of Giving: It Always Comes First 

Even though it’s the 4th Pillar of Money, giving is the most important. Because this is the exercise that demonstrates whether you’re the master of your money, or whether it’s the master of you.

Tons of people are stressed about their finances. In fact, stress about money is at an all-time high, with a recent survey showing that 36% of adults have lost sleep because of worries over money.

The silver bullet for your kid to avoid the stress and worry about money that many people feel is to master his money. How can you teach him to do that? One word. Bacon.

Yes, heard me right, Bacon, because it was Sir Francis Bacon, a 16th Century English writer, scientist, and philosopher and evidently, personal finance expert, who said that, “Money is like manure. It’s only good if you spread it around.”

Now Bacon wasn’t talking as some high-minded aristocrat looking down on people from his ivory tower.  Having fallen into deep debt, lost his job, and with his marriage on the rocks due to his financial troubles, it wasn’t like he was a medieval version of Bill Gates or Warren Buffett. And yet, that was his advice.

As I said, Bacon was a philosopher. So I’m guessing, unlike you or I, he spent a lot of time thinking.  And since his finances were such a disaster, I’m sure the topic of money was often at the forefront of his mind.

So why tell us that the solution to our money problems was to give it away?

You Can’t Serve Two Masters

Bacon understood that there is no middle ground when it comes to money.  It’s a great servant, but a terrible master (another famous money quote from him).

Either you own it, or it owns you. 

You’re either it’s master or its slave. And the best way to ensure that you’re not its slave is to spread it around like manure, to give it away.

As parents, this is one of the most critical money lessons you can pass on to your kids because it’s this consistent generosity which is a hallmark of people who are TRUE money rockstars.

5. Money Isn’t Everything (It’s important, but not everything) 

Ok, this is probably where the personal finance expert should lay out a very compelling money problem and use a brush to paint it like it’s the MOST important issue facing his readers.

I mean, it would be kind of stupid for a car salesperson to try to convince a potential buyer that they should stick with their boring, old, reliable sedan and forgo the flashy new sports car.

And yet here I am, telling you money isn’t the be all end all. Because it’s not.

It’s not the MOST important thing in life. Not even close. And it definitely shouldn’t be the sun around which your kids’ world revolves.

In order to truly win with money and live life to the fullest, you have to put it in its proper place in the pecking order of life.

That means it’s after your faith, your family, and your physical and mental health.

As soon as it creeps into those upper echelons of priority, your child is going to have big problems.

They’ll find themselves making decisions based on what’s best for them financially rather than taking into account the health of their spirit, relationships, or physical and mental health. So be sure to model to your child that while important, money isn’t everything.

Bringing It All Together

While raising a money rockstar can seem daunting at times, it’s not only possible, it’s PROBABLE when you know what to focus on (The 5 Pillars of Money) and you have someone to lend you a helping hand along the way.

As parents, what you do day in and day out is nothing short of heroic! But even the greatest of heroes needed a sidekick – Luke Skywalker needed Yoda. Captain Kirk relied on Spock. And Nemo wouldn’t have been found without Dory.

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Posted in Parenting

How important is the bond between an educator and a child?

As educators we could share with you a thousand reasons why we love our job…

We could tell you about how much we enjoy being connected with your child and contributing to their development and early childhood experiences…. How excited we get to share a year of celebrations, achievements and precious moments with your family…. How honored we feel to partner with you to develop your child’s childhood memories…

However, did you know that these close relationships we form greatly impact your child’s development and makes our role even more significant?

Firstly, a sense of belonging in their relationships and their environment is imperative for children.

We provide a safe and familiar environment, which enables children to build upon their confidence to learn and grow.

Educators as ‘secondary attachment figures’ can promote self-esteem in children which supports them to reach out and explore because they feel safe. In our environments this is what we strive to provide. Their sense of safety comes from nurturing, predictable environments.

Secondly, consistency in ‘care relationships’ supports the healthy development of your child’s brain and sets them up for life-long success.

To understand the importance of consistency, we look to ‘Attachment theory’ which is about the relationships children develop with significant adults in their early years and the importance of these relationships for their health and well-being. 2 Research conducted about attachment theory tells us:

  • The active ingredient for brain development is the nature of children’s engagement in relationships with nurturing parents and carers in their family and
  • Brain imaging research suggests there is a neurological basis to the human ability to establish secure attachments with others3 and these relationships are a significant part of a nurturing environment.4
  • One of the best predictors of social and emotional functioning and outcomes for a young child is their attachment to a primary carer.5
  • Responsiveness and sensitivity of care of very young children has been found to be a major predictor of effective brain development and social emotional functioning.6

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Posted in Parenting

How To Support Your Child’s Speech And Language Development

Research shows that the best way to support speech and language development is to talk together, frequently and naturally. In a childcare setting, children are surrounded by many different examples of speech and language, both from their peers, and from their educators.

Educators use many strategies to support children’s language development in our centres including:

  • Reading and sharing books with children
  • Following children’s lead – for example, a child may point at a banana and say “na-na” Educators will respond with a smile, and say something like “Yes! Bananas are yummy aren’t they? I had banana on my porridge this morning”
  • Narrating the everyday moments, such as nappy change time, transitions, and outdoor play. Educators use speech to describe to the children what is happening in their world.
  • Responding to children – when children cry, shake their head, or point to something, educators will respond with speech, providing the building blocks for future language learning.                                                           

We are proud to partner with Dr Kaylene Henderson a leading Child Psychiatrist. Dr Henderson has written previously about what parents and care givers can do to encourage the development of their children’s speech and language.

Children are learning to communicate with us even from birth and their understanding of language begins soon after.

Speech and language development plays a critical role in children’s social development, their behaviour, their learning of early literacy skills and in the development of their self-esteem.

How you can encourage your child’s speech and language development:

  • Start talking to your child at birth. Children start to understand the language we use long before they can use it themselves. We can talk to our children about what we’re doing and what our plans are for the day. The more children hear and see us speak with them, the quicker they will be able to learn how to talk themselves.
  • Respond to your baby’s coos and babbling as your baby’s attempts at conversation. Pause and take turns listening and talking – you are starting to teach your child important social skills.
  • Play simple games with your baby like peek-a-boo. Play is a great opportunity for face-to-face language based interaction with your child.
  • When your child is talking to you, make sure you listen patiently to what he is trying to say. Look at him and give him as long as he needs to respond. Make sure you acknowledge your child when he is talking and answer his questions to reinforce his efforts.
  • Read books out loud to your baby or young child. Make this part of your daily routine and encourage a love of reading.
  • Ask questions, tell stories and sing songs together
  • When your child is talking in single words or short sentences, repeat his comment or request as a full sentence, not to correct him but to model what you want him to learn, e.g. If your child says “milk” you can respond with, “Can I please have some milk? Yes of course.’’
  • Similarly when he is learning grammar and the correct use of pronouns, don’t criticise your child, but instead model the correct grammar or use of pronouns for him in your responses, e.g. if your child says, “me want food”, you can respond with, “Can I please have some food? Sure. What would you like?”

We are passionate about supporting our families with the development of each child in their fundamental first five years. If you require any guidance or information about your child’s development please feel free to reach out to one of our educators who will support you as best they can or point you in the right direction of someone who can. 

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Posted in Parenting

How to Find the Right Dentist for Your Child

Dentists want you to bring in children as early as 1 year old.

Squirming toddlers, anxious parents and dental exams: When it comes to the choosing the right dentist for small children, you want a dental practice that’s comfortable caring for the youngest patients from the moment their baby teeth emerge.

Your child’s dentist will not only provide hands-on care but also educate you on how to prevent problems like tooth decay and maintain good oral health. If you’re looking for a children’s dentist office, here are some pointers:

Start Young

“The first step is making sure your children start seeing a dentist as early as possible, at the recommended age of 1 year old, so we can help reduce the risk of tooth decay,” says Dr. Jonathan Shenkin, a pediatric dentist with Augusta Pediatric Dentistry in Maine, and a spokesperson with the American Dental Association.

Make Regular Dental Visits

Seeing a dentist every six months is standard advice. However, the right interval between dental visits actually depends on your child’s oral health needs. “Children should see the dentist regularly,” Shenkin says, but the interval between visits could be more or less frequent depending on their age and specific problems. In some cases, for instance, a dentist might want to see a child at high risk of dental disease far more often to enable multiple fluoride treatments.

Child Tooth Care Tips

As a parent, you play a major role in your child’s ongoing dental health. Your child’s dentist can teach you how to prevent tooth decay from the start. You’ll get expert tips like these:

  • Brushing baby teeth. “At an early age, we really want parents to be wiping the teeth,” Shenkin says. You can use a damp washcloth or a baby-sized toothbrush with a soft head – soft bristles are important. During visits, dental professionals can demonstrate how parents can position babies to safely brush their teeth and feel comfortable doing so.
  • Toothpaste type and amount. Fluoride toothpaste is advised – at a safe amount. Small children don’t need a whole strip of toothpaste on a toothbrush, Shenkin says. Kids who still lack the ability to spit will likely swallow excess toothpaste, he explains. “We recommend for kids under 3 only a rice-sized amount of toothpaste on a toothbrush,” he says. “From 3 to 6, we recommend a pea-sized amount of toothpaste.”
  • Flossing without biting. Like adults, kids should floss. “We want them to start flossing when the back molars erupt, at about 2.5 years of age or so, and they start contacting each other.” Smaller kids don’t have the manual dexterity to floss on their own. For parents, the trick is to floss young children’s teeth without getting bitten themselves. Plastic pre-flossed flossers are a safe option, Shenkin says.
  • Perils of juice and sugar. “Juice in sippy cups is actually a big problem,” Shenkin says. “A lot of parents are unaware that this is an issue.” Sugar consumption is a “huge” component in the risk of tooth decay among kids, he says. Rather than drinking a lot of sugary juice, kids are better off getting their vitamin C from whole fruits, which have much less sugar and the added benefit of fiber. Kids should drink more water both during the day and instead of juice at night.
  • Getting dental sealants. “We do recommend dental sealants on permanent first molars,” Shenkin says. These molars, which come in at around age 6, are also known as six-year molars. Sealant consists of liquid material that fills in all the crevices and lines on the molar’s biting surface in which food and bacteria can get stuck, he explains. Kids ages 6 to 11 without sealants have almost triple the amount of first-molar cavities as kids with sealants, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
  • Building a tooth care routine. The ultimate goal is to help kids develop dental habits that will last them a lifetime. Gradually getting kids used to the feeling of flossing and incorporating a twice-daily brushing routine is “critical,” Shenkin says.

Family Dentists

Your family dentist can provide dental care to patients of all ages. By seeing children earlier, they start off better, says Dr. Sandy Murad, a dentist with 1st Family Dental, which has multiple locations in the Chicago area. When parents wait until kids are 4 or 5 years old, she says, they may already have tooth decay. “Then the experience is more stressful for the children, rather than just being a fun experience – getting a toothbrush, getting a toy and just kind of seeing what we do.”

Family dental practices accommodate kids and adults alike. Many offices with 1st Family Dental include designated areas for kids with TVs and play areas with small slides, puzzles and books to keep them comfortable during the wait.

Parents come inside the clinical area with their children. “The nice thing is, if we have to take X-rays on the kid, the parents don’t even have to leave the room,” Murad says. “We have new digital X-rays that are not emitting radiation like before, when you had to leave the room and put a vest on.”

Although kids typically come in twice a year, some need a bit more follow up. Children with braces, for instance, often fall short on flossing and brushing, Murad says. “So we try to have them come in maybe three to four times a year, just during the braces period, to help them with hygiene and all that.”

If a child has multiple dental problems and potential behavioral issues that might make it preferable to take care of all the problems at once, possibly using stronger sedation than laughing gas, Murad says, that’s when she’ll refer that patient to a specialist like a pediatric dentist.

Pediatric Dentists

For infants and children with special needs, as well as for other kids, a pediatric dentist may be a good option. Some family dental practices include pediatric dentists on staff.

Pediatric dentists complete up to three years of specialty training after dental school, according to the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry website. They work exclusively with children, from infancy through adolescence.

“When you’re training in pediatric dentistry, you have to be trained in sedation,” Shenkin says. “You have to be trained in behavior management in children, how to manage very young children and how to manage unique issues like trauma and severe tooth decay.”

Pediatric dentists and staff members like dental hygienists strive to provide a kid-friendly, reassuring atmosphere.

“We try to create an environment that’s fun and friendly and try to diminish the anxiety for parents and children alike,” Shenkin says. “We have TVs and video games and fun colors in the office and a staff that’s all geared and trained in communicating with young children and anxious parents to help alleviate those fears and anxieties.”

Dental Specialists Your Child Might See

In some cases, your family or pediatric dentist might refer your child to one of the following dental professionals to address specific issues:

  • Oral surgeon. Tooth extraction, adult tooth correction and injury treatment are common reasons that kids see oral surgeons.
  • Orthodontist. Crowded, protruding or too-far-apart teeth, overbites and misaligned jaws are reasons kids see orthodontists for treatment with dental appliances such as braces or clear aligners.
  • Periodontist. Gum diseases such as chronic inflammation (gingivitis) or receding gums occasionally require kids to see a periodontist.
  • Endodontist. Root canals may be considered for children who have trauma to permanent teeth from mouth injuries, or in some cases, for severe cavities.
  • Prosthodontist. Complex dental restorations, for instance for children born with cleft palates or missing teeth, are performed by prosthodontists.

Dealing With Dental Trauma

Active kids can accidentally damage their teeth. Playground mishaps or sports injuries – even with kids wearing mouthguards – may lead to chipped, cracked or detached teeth. Contact your dentist’s office and have an after-hours number to call if your child suffers a dental injury to receive immediate advice and follow-up care.

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Posted in Kids

Helping the Young Mind Grow

Whether you call it snowplow, bulldozer or helicopter parenting, these child-rearing styles have gotten a lot of attention recently, and the acknowledgment that they may not be the best way to raise a confident, well-adjusted young person.

Moving obstacles out of a child’s way is not the same as providing the nurturing he or she needs.

Scientists know that one very important period for brain growth occurs during the preschool years. Researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis analyzed a series of brain scans of children from this age through the early teen years. The aim: to learn how mom’s early support affected development of the hippocampus, the area of the brain critical to learning, memory and regulating emotions, such as stress.

The investigators saw a sharper rise in the volume of the hippocampus in kids who had early nurturing, and found that these kids were healthier emotionally when they entered their teens. Hippocampus volume was smaller in teens whose mothers were less supportive during the preschool period, even if the moms were more nurturing in their elementary or middle school years.

So how can you best show support for your children? Start with a positive approach, and parent with your child’s emotional well-being in mind. Offer words of encouragement and praise as they work on and then complete tasks.

Show affection as they go through their struggles and resist getting impatient as they work at a task — nurturing also means letting children explore to find solutions on their own, whether it’s learning to do a puzzle, getting dressed or tackling a more challenging activity. Remind yourself that when you provide the answers they need, you run the risk of limiting the range of their problem-solving skills.

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Posted in Parenting

What’s Driving the Rise in Teen Depression?

Adolescent depression is on the rise. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that about 3.2 million 12- to 17-year-olds have had at least one major depressive episode within the past 12 months. Teen who are depressed often struggle with anxiety and substance abuse as well, which is why early detection of the mood disorder can be tricky.

Symptoms of adolescent depression frequently differ from symptoms in adults. For example, youth may experience more irritability and moodiness, sleep at odd times of the day and isolate themselves from adults, particularly family members, but still long to be with peers. Adults, however, may experience insomnia, intense bouts of sadness and isolate themselves from both friends and family.

In addition to varying with age, symptoms also differ by gender. According to a study published in the Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care, girls report feelings of sadness, guilt, worthlessness, punishment, tiredness and low energy, whereas boys report more irritability, depression and suicidal thoughts. With all of this symptomatic variation and conflicting information, it’s easy to miss the warning signs and chalk up adolescent depression to “typical” teen behavior.

Consequently, many depressed kids don’t get the help they need. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that only 20 percent of youth suffering from a mental health disorder, like depression, receive treatment for their condition. This means 80 percent, or about 12 million youth, are undertreated or not treated at all, and that’s a major concern, especially as adolescent depression is on the rise.

A study published this month in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology finds that over the past decade the number of youth with mental health disorders has more than doubled. This particular study examined data from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, which has collected data on drug and alcohol use and mental health issues in America since 1971. Survey responses from more than 200,000 youth ages 12 to 17 between 2005 to 2017 and approximately 400,000 adults between 2008 to 2017 were reviewed, and what researchers discovered was alarming. For youth, major depression increased 52 percent from 2005 to 2017 – from 8.7 percent to13.2 percent, and it rose 63 percent in young adults ages 18 to 25 from 2009 (8.1 percent) to 2017 (13.2 percent).

The numbers highlight the mental health issues facing young people across the nation, and lead to the burning question: What has contributed to the increase in adolescent depression? Over the past decade, researchers have desperately sought to determine this. Unfortunately, there isn’t a conclusive answer, but there are about five common themes that have emerged from the data:

1. A modern-day diagnosis.

As an article in Johns Hopkins Health Review explains, adolescent depression is a relatively new diagnosis. Until the 1980s, mental health professionals were reluctant to diagnose youth with a mood disorder in part because the adolescent brain is still developing and they thought it would not be appropriate to diagnose someone so young with depression. Also, professionals believed that teen moodiness was perfectly normal during what is often referred to as the turbulent years.

2. Hyper-connected and overstimulated.

There’s no doubt about it, today’s teens are hyper-connected. Electronic devices are so intertwined with youth’s lives that the real world and virtual world coincide. With over 95 percent of teens having access to a smartphone and 45 percent online “almost constantly,” according to a Pew Research Center study, more and more teens are turning to the internet for social support and social comparison.

The recent research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology explained that the spike in depression, distress and suicidal tendencies may be connected to the social media trends among young people. For example, it’s not uncommon for youth to measure their self-worth based on the likes and comments they get from others, which is of course an inaccurate measure of one’s personal value. It’s no surprise that social media has been linked with negative psychological outcomes for youth.

3. Uncertain times.

Each generation is influenced and shaped by the history of the time. Today’s youth have grown up in the grim shadows of post-9-11. Unfortunately, this generation knows all too well the fear of terrorism. Whether it be a lone shooter or mass terrorist attack, our nation’s youth have come to know and live with violence in their lives. From concerts to malls and restaurants to schools, today’s youth understand the stark reality that they live in a time where their sense of security can instantly be stripped away by heinous and cowardly attacks of others.

4. Not enough sleep.

Sleep disturbance, described as insomnia or hypersomnia, is one of the primary symptoms of major depressive disorder. Teens are notoriously sleep-deprived, only getting about seven hours of the National Sleep Foundation’s recommended 8.5 to 9.25 hours. Time and time again, studies have indicated that youth aren’t getting enough sleep, and that can lead to a depressed mood, moodiness and irritability.

During the teen years, youth are undergoing dramatic maturational and physiological changes. Thus, the role of sleep in mental and physical health is extremely important. Good sleep has been associated with better physical, cognitive and psychological well-being. Consequently, poor sleep is related to health problems, and cognitive and psychological impairment.

5. Lack of community.

We live in stressful times. Our modern lifestyles highlight our hectic day-to-day routines, and that spills over into the lives of our children. With the go-go mentality, our community has dwindled, and as a result, our face-to-face connections have decreased.

Our lives are becoming more structured and organized. Before we became a technologically reliant and fast-paced society, our kids engaged in more unstructured play, ate less processed foods and exercised on a daily basis, but those times are fading. Today’s kids report that they feel rushed to do things and pressured to be successful.

Youth depression is a concern plaguing our nation, so much so that the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force has recommended that primary caregivers screen adolescents ages 12 to 18 for major depressive disorder. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. Not only should medical personnel help with identifying teen depression, but the responsibility should fall on all of us. We need to create healthy and trusting relationships with our youth, and in the process revive our community.

Suffering from a mental illness can be a frightening experience, especially if you have to suffer in silence. Fortunately, there are a variety of effective depression treatments available today. If you believe that your child or a loved one is struggling with depression, please seek professional help. Depression is treatable, and the earlier it’s treated the more effective the treatment is.

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Posted in Parenting

Toddlers, Meltdowns and Brain Development: Why Parents Need to Ditch Traditional Discipline

Toddlers are brilliant. Aren’t they? They live in the present moment. They’re capable and innocent. And perhaps my favorite trait – they’re authentic. They’re unfiltered. They’re among the most honest humans on the planet. They’re unapologetically themselves.

But, perhaps they’re also the most misunderstood humans on the planet.

We, adults, have forgotten what it’s like to be a toddler. To be small and dependent. To be constantly learning. To feel only one (strong) emotion at a time, yet not have the tools to regulate that emotion. To experience the most rapid brain development of one’s life.

Instead, what our culture chooses to see are toddlers ‘throwing’ tantrums. Pushing our buttons. Testing our limits. Acting clingy, uncivilized and impolite.

This perspective can make us feel as though we’ve lost control. As if we’re ‘bad’ parents. As if we’re failing.

And so, we’re encouraged to control our children; to leverage our size and power.

Mainstream parenting focuses on modifying superficial behavior and resorting to tactics like punishments, time-outs, threats, bribes and rewards under the justification that perpetuating a dominance hierarchy is somehow serving the greater good.

And when these scare tactics don’t work…we escalate the punishment.

But, what if, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with our children? Nothing to be fixed. What if the problem is a lack of knowledge, understanding, and empathy within our society? And what if these techniques threaten to erode the ONLY influence you truly have with your child – your relationship.

Western society expects a parenting approach based on an adult’s wants rather than a child’s needs. But, what if, through our relationship, an understanding of child psychology and brain development, and a shift in perspective, we could find a way to be in harmony with our young children and grow alongside them? Becoming better people ourselves.

So, let’s dig a little deeper into the science of growing up. Let’s seek to understand WHY young children behave the way they do so that we can feel confidence and gratitude as we stand beside them, guiding them with patience and compassion on this adventure called toddlerhood.

When does the brain grow up?

As humans evolved to walk on two legs rather than four, the size of the pelvis needed to shrink considerably. For women, childbirth became more challenging; we evolved to give birth to our babies at a much earlier stage of development so that a newborn’s head could safely pass through the narrower birth canal. Some say, compared to other mammals, humans are born only half way through gestation; similar to baby kangaroos.

The biological tradeoff? Undeveloped brain = immature, helpless, dependent baby.

Compared to other mammals, the human brain is tiny at birth; a mere 25% of its ultimate adult size. Animals born into hostile environments tend to have larger infant brains to help them survive. Zebras, for example, need to be able to run with the herd just hours after birth – their relatively mature brains help them run and respond appropriately when a lion appears.

But, mother nature always has a survival strategy in place. So, what is the survival strategy for human babies with such tiny brains? Easy. Mum and Dad. Babies (and toddlers) are designed to keep us close most, if not all the time in order to protect them.

We’re designed to form secure attachments for a reason – in order for our species to survive and thrive.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests the brain doesn’t fully mature until our mid-late twenties. The frontal lobe, responsible for judgment, planning, assessing risks, and decision-making is the last region to complete development around age 30. So, what does this mean for us, as parents?

It means we need to be patient and compassionate with our kids. It means children are often incapable of the unrealistic expectations we place on them. It means that no matter how smart we think our three-year-old is, no matter how much we wish he could rationalise and reason, he simply doesn’t have the brain of an adult. We may hope kids will behave with self-discipline and self-control, but until their brains mature, it is our responsibility to guide them (and ‘lend’ them our prefrontal cortex until theirs matures).

How positive parenting encourages healthy brain development

Albert Einstein once said the most important question for us to answer is, “Is this a friendly universe?” Infancy and childhood are when we begin to answer that question. As a species, we are adaptable precisely because we are unfinished at birth. Children “build” a brain, that’s best suited to the environment they experience. A staggering seven hundred new neural connections (synapses) are formed in the brain every single second, equating to over one thousand trillion synapses by a child’s third birthday.

But the process of brain development doesn’t end at age three; by the time children reach their teenage years the number of neural synapses actually halves from one thousand trillion to five hundred trillion in a process called neural pruning.

So why would the brain create more synapses than it needs, only to discard the extras?

The answer lies in the interplay of genetic and environmental factors. While genetics provides a blueprint, it’s a child’s environment and their experiences that carry out the construction, forming the essential wiring of the brain. Repeated use of particular pathways strengthens individual connections.

Synapse strength is vital in developing emotional regulation abilities. This is why it’s critical that we provide our children with experiences that contribute to healthy brain development. For example, a child who experiences excessive stress will develop a larger brainstem – the part of the brain responsible for the fight, flight, freeze response. These children are more likely to become adults who are overly reactive to stress. Why? Because their early experiences suggest that they need to be on high alert. That their environment is unsafe (and so are they).

On the flip side, a child who experiences nurturing and responsiveness is able to devote their energy to growing a larger prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation. These children are more likely to become adults who are calm and emotionally stable. Why? Because their early experiences of interdependence and responsiveness suggest that their world is safe and that they can rely on those around them.

This is the type of care humans are biologically wired to expect.

Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson proposed that healthy psychological outcomes are dependent on the quality of caregiving. When the balance of care is empathic babies and toddlers grow into children who naturally trust the world. And trusting children feel confident about venturing out and exploring independently. This is how true independence develops.

Why Toddlers Need Meltdowns

Toddlers build up stress hormones as they cope with the challenges of daily life. But the part of the brain, which allows them to express strong emotions verbally, the prefrontal cortex, still isn’t fully developed. This means that toddlers can experience an intense emotion, but they don’t have the ability to verbalise, nor deal with it.

So, mother nature designed toddlers with a foolproof method to release emotional overload: meltdowns (or tantrums).

Toddlers don’t enjoy tantrums. They don’t intentionally “throw” a tantrum to manipulate us. Tantrums are outside a toddler’s conscious control.

When emotions overwhelm a young child, their brain isn’t able to maintain rational control. Their physiology helps restore equilibrium by having a meltdown to release their feelings and frustrations.

Tantrums are an opportunity for us to connect and deepen the trust our children already have in us.

Tantrums are an opportunity to learn as parents.

Tantrums are an opportunity to dig deep, to lean in and to help your child in the way they need.

Tantrums are an opportunity to up your game as a parent.

As unbelievable as it may sound, once I realised this, I can’t say I looked forward to tantrums but I didn’t dread them. I didn’t try to stop them. I didn’t fear them. I started approaching them with curiosity and wonder. I started expecting them, just as I expected my son to be hungry or tired.

So, what’s the best way to deal with a tantrum?

Firstly, remember a tantrum is not a reflection on you. Let’s repeat that; your child’s tantrum is not a reflection on you or your parenting. What is a reflection on you is your response to the tantrum. Can you find the courage to disable generational imprinting and cultural expectations and be the calm in your child’s storm? You cannot control another person, but you can choose your response.

“Release your attachments to how things “ought” to be and instead surrender to how they actually are.” Dr. Shefali Tsabury

So, remember tantrums are normal and healthy.

Take a deep breath. Close your eyes for a moment if you need to. Do whatever you need to do to center yourself. You are your child’s compass. You are their guide; they need to feel the reassurance that you are in charge, that you have their back and that they can rely on you when they feel like they are drowning in a sea of wild and unpredictable emotions.

Sit patiently with your child. Hold her close. Empathize. Observe.

What unmet needs could be underlying her strong emotions?

Say what you see, without judgment.

Give her words so she can understand her emotions. “You are so upset. You seem sad to say good-bye to Daddy. You’re crying…”

Remember, this is not about you.

Do not even attempt to rationalise or use logic – your child’s brain is all emotion right now. Connect on an emotional level first and then once she is calm, you can problem solve together.

Acknowledge her anger and frustrations, accept her emotions and wait it out.

By doing this (time and again) you’re strengthening your child’s belief that the universe is a safe place. That her parents accept and love her unconditionally. That there is no such thing as “good” or “bad emotions. That you will help her regulate her emotions and explore her feelings no matter how messy they may be.

Why Parents Need to Ditch Traditional Discipline

The mainstream approach may suggest a time out or walking away so that you don’t “reward” the behaviour by acknowledging it. Or threatening or punishing your child in some arbitrary way. But this approach is short-sighted – it may get the parent what they want in the short term, but it is not helping the child.

Because when young children feel abandoned, unheard and invalidated, they become anxious. The tantrum may temporarily stop, but you risk creating deep insecurity. We wouldn’t dream of treating a toddler as a “failure” for stumbling as they learn to walk. So why would we treat them harshly when they stumble through their emotional growth?

Traditional discipline has become synonymous with punishment. The Oxford Dictionary defines discipline as, ‘the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.’ But, the original meaning of the word came from its Latin origins, discipline, which means ‘instruction’. And disciplina derives from the Latin word discere, which means ‘to learn’. Traditional discipline techniques are, in my view, a lazy way of dealing with misunderstood behaviour, which in most cases derives from a child’s valid and unmet need. They also put the bulk of responsibility on the child and very little on the parent.

“Every day in a hundred ways our children ask, “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter?” Their behavior often reflects our response.” L.R.Knost

Compassion and empathetic guidance help toddlers develop a brain that can regulate itself emotionally within a few short years. By around the age of six, a child’s nervous system is almost completely wired. The ability to trust, self-soothe and empathize is established.

Children who’ve had compassionate, responsive and positive parents will come to understand and self-regulate their emotions most of the time. They’ll feel secure. They’ll build neural pathways within the brain to deliver soothing biochemicals that help to regulate emotions like fear and anger. They’ll grow into adults who feel comfortable in their own skin and with other people’s emotions, so they’re able to connect deeply with others.

It may feel overwhelming in the moment with a young child who is melting down, but take solace in the knowledge that the effort and sacrifices you are making are monumentally worthwhile. In years from now, your kids won’t remember what you said, but they’ll remember how you made them feel.

“Either we spend time meeting children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love or we spend the time dealing with the behaviors caused from their unmet needs. Either way we spend the time.” Pamela Leo

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Posted in Kids

The Fewer Toys Children Have, The More They Play

“Leave them. They’ll have some there. Let’s travel light,” said my husband, referring to our son’s set of buckets and spades.

Thirty-six hours, two plane trips, a ferry ride, two shuttles, and a taxi later, jet-lagged but beyond excited, we arrived at our island in the middle of the South Pacific.

I’d been dreaming of returning since my husband proposed here a decade ago; visualizing the joy of sharing this happy place with my then three-year-old son.

We wasted no time; dropping our bags in our room and heading straight to the beach for a dip in the ocean before heading to the dive shop to collect some snorkel gear.

They’ll have a set of buckets and spades, I thought. Nope.

So, we headed to the gift store. Nope.

The next day, we went to the local market. Buckets and spades? Nope.

Shoot. We messed up.

How was my son going to play all week? How were we going to entertain him? What kind of parents don’t bring toys to the beach?

I felt like a failure…only my son wasn’t bothered.

Without skipping a beat he started playing in the sand with shells. He used his snorkel to dig holes and build caves and castles and tunnels. He found sticks and drew dinosaurs. He gathered empty coconuts, filling them with sand and water to make mud. He played with hermit crabs, floated leaves in the waves and spotted fish from the shore.

A few days later, we found a set of buckets and spades. We decided not to buy it.

Our son was having too much fun, his imagination running wild. We felt as though we were witnessing his creativity expanding with each passing day.

They say that the fewer toys kids have, the more they play. It seems that they were right. So, let’s dig a little deeper to understand why that is.

Remove the toys and kids play more

Two decades ago, a German project called, “Kindergarten” (the nursery without toys) wanted to see what would happen if they took toys away from kindergartens. All toys from participating classrooms were removed for three months.

One of the teachers, Gisela Marti, said: “In these three months we offer the children space and time to get to know themselves and because they are not being directed by teachers or toys, the children have to find new ways to master their day in their own individual way.”

The aim was to nourish self-confidence, imagination, creativity, problem-solving abilities and socialization.

Their days were deliberately unstructured to avoid children being rushed from one activity to the next. Instead, they were free to do what they wanted and how they wanted to do it.

A video of the children was taken each day. On the first day, the children appeared confused and bored as they peered apprehensively around their big empty classroom.

But, by the second day, the kids were playing with chairs and blankets, making dens by draping blankets over tables and weighing them down with shoes.

Soon they started running around the room, chatting and laughing excitedly. By the end of the third month, they were engaged in wildly imaginative play, able to concentrate better and communicate more effectively.

Stages of toy discovery: exploration versus play

Kathy Sylva, Professor of Educational Psychology at Oxford University, concluded after studying over 3000 children aged three to five that “when children have a large number of toys there seems to be a distraction element, and when children are distracted they do not learn or play well.” Her research shows that children with fewer toys whose parents spend more time reading, singing or playing with them surpass those from even more affluent backgrounds.

Dr John Richer, Pediatric Psychologist at John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford explains that when children receive a new toy they go through two stages: exploration followed by play.

During exploration mode, a child asks: “What does this toy do?”

And in play mode, a child asks: “What can I do with this toy?”.

It is during play mode that creativity, imagination, initiative, and adaptability thrive. When children are confronted by too many toys, they spend more time exploring and less time playing.

Ironically, it seems that by providing fewer toys, we provide more time for play.

The potential impact of too many toys

Claire Lerner, Psychotherapist and Director of Parenting Resources at Zero to Three specialize in early childhood development. Claire conducted a government-funded study into the potential impacts of excessive toys, reporting that children, “get overwhelmed and over-stimulated and cannot concentrate on any one thing long enough to learn from it so they just shut down. Too many toys mean they are not learning to play imaginatively either.”

Christopher Willard, Clinical Psychologist and Author of Child’s Mind, reminds us that repetition has a purpose; reading the same books, singing the same song, playing the same games. Repetition serves to cement learning while enhancing cognitive development. After all, play is the work of childhood.

“Play is the highest form of research.” Albert Einstein

On the flip side, fewer toys help children use and develop their imagination, lengthen attention span, promotes taking care of and valuing the toys they do have more while creating greater opportunities to explore nature. As a benefit to parents, fewer toys results in less clutter in our homes, helping us to feel more grounded, have more time to play with our kids and more patience to extend to our kids.

What type of toys are more likely to invite more play?

If our kids have fewer toys we want to make sure that the toys they do have provide the greatest play value. I’ll dive into this topic in more detail in an upcoming post, but in short, when assessing a toy, always be mindful that the play is in the child, not in the toy. If a toy lights up or makes noises, and all the child needs to do is press a button, that toy holds very little play value. These types of toys provide an immediate dopamine rush, make the child and the giver excited, but they are short-lived. On the flip side, toys like wooden blocks or magnatiles or silk scarves don’t dictate the play to the child –  they hold greater play value as the child is free to use their imagination for endless play possibilities.

“As you decrease the quantity of your child’s toys and clutter, you increase their attention and their capacity for deep play.” Kim John Payne

Another way to choose toys is to determine if they are OPEN or CLOSED toys. Closed toys are generally defined as those that serve one purpose, once they’re completed, they’re done. Whereas, open-ended toys can be used for many different purposes. For example, colored blocks can be used to build a castle, a bridge or for counting, sorting or balancing. Open toys ignite a child’s imagination. Having said that, some closed toys can also be wonderful – like puzzles and shape sorters. We aim for a ratio of 75% open toys and 25% closed toys.

Let’s simplify our kids’ toys together

The great irony is that, as a modern parent, it feels as though it is more difficult to have fewer toys in our homes than more. Having fewer toys, just as reducing our kid’s schedules, screen time or simplifying their lives, takes an intentional approach in our “more must be better” society. It’s hard to swim against the tide of the mainstream, but the juice sure is worth the squeeze.

In our own home, our family is very much still on this journey. As our son grows older new challenges present themselves and I find myself constantly evolving and explaining why he can’t have everything he sees. But the more we reinforce our family values, the easier it seems to become.

“Minimalism is the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it. It is a life that forces intentionality.” Joshua Becker

When we say no to more toys, we say yes to more important life lessons. We give our children the opportunity to be able to learn to truly value what they have. And we communicate that they don’t need to look to external sources of materialism to bring them temporary happiness or reassurance.

Do you want to learn more regarding how much money to save before baby then please follow my blog and send your questions in the comment section.